We be back from vacation!
We went to the Dells in Wisconsin, a fun filled land where, apparently by state law, every hotel must have it’s own water park.
There are plenty of stories that could be told, but there is something I really want to talk about first. Hot button was hit, and hit hard.
On Saturday, we took our son Alex to see a movie, as kind of a cool-down after tons of water filled adventure, time in the sun, and mini-golf up one side of a mountain and down the other (I whole-heartedly recommend the Pirate Adventure Golf, by the way, well maintained courses, 5 different 18 hole mini-golf courses of varying difficulty… just well done).
There is a movie theater in the Dells, and imagine my surprise to learn that this new Star Wars I’ve been hearing about was an actual movie released in theaters. I figured it would be more Cartoon Network TV episodes.
Cassie checked it out to see if it was supposed to be appropriate for a 5 year old, and said it looked okay. So off we went Saturday to see Star Wars; the Clone Wars.
I am sure that it is going to surprise no one when I say that I want to punch George Lucas and his writers right square in the mouth.
Just, what a bunch of asshats for writing that and directing it.
I could go back and forth on it’s merits as a stand alone movie. As a movie, it wasn’t too bad. It certainly wasn’t good, but it wasn’t too bad.
It was way too long, it had too many mindless fighting and spaceship shooting sequences, scenes that were just filler… like they needed to take an hour of plot and stretch it out to a full length movie, so someone said ‘if we drag out the lightsaber fights, blaster fights and spaceships in combat, it’ll be more exciting and action packed’.
Almost as if someone read a complaint that a previous movie or TV show was heavy on dialogue and light on action, so they decided to make sure the ‘lots of action’ achievement got punched up.
Fine, that’s okay. It gave me the opportunity to close my eyes and chill a few times, since the action without plot was just boring.
But other than that, it was okay as a movie. The plot wasn’t very imaginative, it wasn’t very creative, but it was certainly a good movie for 5 year olds. If that was the target audience, okay, good job. Still too long, but that’s okay, special effects animators need to eat too.
No, my problem comes from the whole damn concept of this film.
Warning, spoilers of the Star Wars: The Clone Wars movie plot setup follow.
Okay, you were warned.
Since we are talking Star Wars, and you are reading this, I am going to assume that you have seen the Star Wars Episode III movie, where we finally see Hayden/Anakin go baaaad.
We see the birth of Darth Vader, and his final descent to the dark side.
Okay, so Episode III was pretty poorly written. I mean, seriously… it sucked. The writing, just…. come on. This was the best you could come up with?
But okay, it is what it is.
The way they wrote it, Anakin goes to the Jedi Temple in Episode III, and he kills all the kids. All the young jedi. The younglings. The kids and, we infer, the infants and everyone else in the building.
He, Anakin, personally slaughters every kid in the place. That is what the scene in Episiode III infers, and thankfully, I didn’t have to watch it in graphic detail.
For myself, it didn’t really seem to me that anything we had seen in any film prior to that was in any way a justification for him doing that.
No, I’m not saying there would be a justification for it in the real world, but in the world of this movie, they are trying to sell us on the idea that Anakin was led down the path to the dark side by the Emperor, but that he was blind to what was going on until he finally cracked with the death of his wife.
Umm…. but he has no problem killing a bunch of kids because the Emperor tells him to?
It was at that point, to me, the entire series jumped the shark. Not the wailing cry of Darth Vader at the end, no, that didn’t bother me. No, for me it was the scene where we are led to believe that killing all those kids was just the first baby step towards thinking about being evil, and not even really a full step on the path of evil at all.
Sorry, in my opinion, that WAS him becoming truly and utterly evil. There should have been no chance in any way that he was anything other than totally committed to evil before he stepped foot in that temple.
And the whole scene was over the line, anyway. It didn’t need to be there.
But that’s how they did it. that’s how they wrote it, and filmed it, and one would think they gave very careful thought to it before doing it.
Fine. I thought it made for a crappy scene that ruined the rest of the movie for me, but hey, whatever.
But now… oh, but now. They did the Cartoon Network series, and now they did the Clone Wars movie.
And all of this crap takes place after Episode II and before Episode III.
We saw Episode III. We know that Anakin Skywalker is a childkiller, a worthless little whiny sack of shit that murdered a room full of kids in cold blood.
So why write more movies showing Anakin to be a hero with personal spiritual growth?
That’s what you wrote, that’s what you did. You could have written it so he became a ‘black knight’, a warrior of darkness that hunted down the Jedi to avenge his twisted feelings of betrayal, WITHOUT having him kill a room full of kids in cold blood. It was unneccesary to the story. He could have been evil, but still had a personal code of honor. Lawful evil, not chaotic evil, if you will.
But fine, it was done. Your writers suck, we laughed at you and moved on.
However, you persist in wanting to milk the Star Wars franchise.
So we get this film… which takes place before Episode III, and stars Anakin and Obi-Wan together as buddy cops. It’s a buddy cop film, and then (spoiler), Anakin gets his own Padawan apprentice. A cute little girl youngling, for him to teach.
Now, I think it’s safe to say that she’s not going to make it to Episode III. Anyone remember a Padawan of Anakin’s being mentioned in Episode III? No?
Well, they must plan on either more films after this one, or a TV series, because he’s got a cute little sidekick in this film.
That’s right. He gets a very young, cute female apprentice in the movie. And he resents her, and she is earnest as a puppy trying to be accepted, and in the end they both bond and learn from each other and they both grow in maturity and understanding and acceptance of new things and come to respect and trust each other.
Yes, Anakin learns a great deal from having a new apprentice, and takes some nice steps in personal growth and in becoming a good Jedi. Good guys win, everyone happy-happy.
Wait… so, what, Anakin’s a hero now? And everyone lives happily ever after? And he just had a big bonding experience with a youngling that he takes on as an apprentice?
Am I the only one here that remembers… Anakin is a worthless childkilling sack of shit?
Nothing, NOTHING in Clone Wars is worth watching when you know he is going to kill those kids.
He’s not the hero. He’s not a role model for our youth. He is not someone worthy of an action figure.
He’s a childkiller.
And continuing to show movies of him as the big courageous hero AFTER doing Episode III is morally bankrupt.
How the hell do you assume that your audience has seen all your Star Wars films and has seen Episiode III, and then continue writing this shit?
If you want to milk this franchise, then do the Clone Wars AFTER Episode III. Show Darth Vader as an evil bastard hunting down the Jedi, and the few remaining Jedi trying to save who they can.
Oh, wait, is that not fun? You can’t easily see how to write that so the kids will like it? Would it take effort and talent and skill to write that story? Can’t figure out how to make that a light and carefree summer film?
Then you shouldn’t have had Anakin slaughter a roomful of kids, should you, you stupid asshats!
Has no one got the balls to stand up to Lucas, and tell him that once you go down that road, you can’t pretend it’s all innocence and happiness and puppies?
This message has been brought to you by the association for movies that don’t star childkillers as the hero, and by the letter ‘y’.