Lady Jess said it well just this morning, when Noblegarden started around midnight.

“People in the guild are so nice, I started to forget what asshats there are in the game. Now I remember.”

So, Noblegarden is active.

Eggs are out there, but only in the race starter zones. There are many spawn areas in each starter village, but as you might expect, with spawn sites the way they are… asshats have a lot of power to be themselves. I’m sure many of you have found this out, and met with some frustrating moments.

It says a lot about the game that there are so many opportunities to run across asshats. There really is a lot that’s going on, all the time. It’s pretty cool to have such a vital community, still, after so many years.

The asshats are just the dandruff that won’t go away, no matter how much Selsun Blue you use.

Tonight, I have for your entertainment, a story of one of our own. A Druid.

A Druid that proves that asshats can be of any class or race, even the Night Elf Druid. Shocking, but true.

Ah, and what a petty little asshat he is, too.

Sadly, I do not have an epic tale of woe to share with you all.

He is nothing special. Just a lame little asshat worthy of little else in this life but the random abuse the world will assuredly bring him. But he does serve as a target for me to share with you, someone that you can take pleasure at seeing called out, to represent for us all this particular holiday’s inevitable tools.

Feel free to think about your own meetings with asshats, and pretend that Voltarius the Pathetic of Kael’thas was the one that annoyed you, and let loose with a little giggle as he shows us all his /fail.

Let me set the stage.

It was a night like any other, and the eggs were there to be found.

I’d traveled from the cramped villages of Goldshire and Dun Morogh in search of a place less frequented than most. The Night Elves seemed to be the most open of the choices I visited, and so I decided to tarry there a while.

I saw that most folks that were there were either camping remote ares, or were taking routes around the village.

As I didn’t want to interfere with others, I found a quiet spot under the bridge, and proceeded to await my eggs. They spawned about once a minute on the average, which was fine with me. I had 30 minutes before I must away, and so I might luckily see 30 eggs all told before I left the WoW in search of my bed. It was nice sitting there, out of the way of others. Nobody came to bother me, for the village was pretty wide open for spawn points.

I just sat there, got about 20 eggs, and listened to Lewis Black on iTunes, until he came along.

The lame little immature asshat.

Of course. It is WoW, and a publicly accessible event, after all. To people like Voltarius, that just spells another opportunity to make someone else HAVE to recognise he exists. God knows nobody in the real world does. (That is just an assumption… but I’d have to say, based on the evidence, it seems like a reasonable guess. Allow me the poetic license this once.)

I don’t really have to tell you, do I? Of course not.

In a village full of spawn points, where it was actually fairly empty compared to all the other areas, he comes over, stands next to me in cheetah form, and spends the next 10 minutes frantically clicking every egg spawn that comes along, and with a 1 minute spawn rate, and many other open areas in the village, that takes a determination to do one thing and one thing only… be an asshat and inconvenience someone else. After all, assuming I get half, that’s a net waste of his time, right?

I didn’t race to try and get them from him, though. I didn’t bother. I kept clicking on egg spawns at my own pace, and surprisingly, I did get one.

I could just see him in my minds eye, desperately clicking the spawn point, hoping against hope that he’d get it first, the saliva dangling from the corner of his lips, his slack, mouth-breathing face aglow with the ecstasy of my imagined frustration.

They’re eggs. It’s a week long event. I only need 100 (or a lucky hit) to get my bunny pet, which is all I want. I can get up a half hour early a couple times and be assured of no competition at all. So… moron alert, but other than that… so what?

But I’m curious, as usual. The mind of the immature asshat is a fairly foreign thing to me. He’s got good gear, clearly he is able to pretend to be mature or reliable enough to be part of a raiding guild that has success… so what is going through his head right now? It’s not about the eggs, so what is it?

Before I just come here to the blog and dump a screenshot and some invective upon him, is there a chance I could converse peaceably? Ask him politely if he would allow me to continue getting the eggs from this spot I’d been at alone for the last 20 minutes? There are plenty of other spots that are open, after all, and I’m leaving in 10 minutes anyway. Maybe he’s not such a bad guy, after all. Maybe, my being in pink bunny form confuses the poor, wee lad. Maybe my hopping up and down and dropping eggs out the back is mistaken as part of the celebration!

And maybe bunny form will sprout wings and fly.

Okay, sure, he just wants that little recognition to satisfy his childish soul, something to satisfy that desperate craving to be seen, to matter to somebody, that heartfelt longing to touch someone. Most asshats seem to feed off attention, to draw strength from it, to revel in knowing they have finally touched someone, anyone. But maybe, if I talk to him, it will pacify his inner child, full of selfish nerd rage.

What the heck, no matter what happens, it can only make for a better eventual blog post, amiright? And I have been surprised in the past. Sometimes, someone stops after having done something like raced up to a mining node that I was standing at fighting a mob, grabbed it, raced off… and then come back, apologised, saying they hadn’t seen me there until too late, and actually opened a trade window to give me the ore.

I always decline the ore, because consideration like that deserves a reward, but it HAS happened. So why just assume? Maybe something magical will occur!

So, I asked him, very politely, as politely as you could possibly wish, if he would please, pretty please let me have the spot I’d been at for the last twenty minutes, as I had limited time, and had to leave in a few minutes. I just wanted a couple more eggs before logging. Please?

His response? “Waaaaaaah”.

I thanked him kindly for his response, and he actually replied “np”. Oh yes, yes he did.

Well, nobody can say that I didn’t try.

So I hereby present to you, my friends and collegues, my second nomination for the Kael’thas Hall of Shame; Voltarius, of The Ebon School guild.

voltarius1

As I said, there is nothing special about him. He has no special gift of imagination, he makes no special example of being exceptionally rude or offensive. There is in fact nothing exceptional about him whatsoever.

He is completely mediocre in every way, just a lame little asshat that wanted to inspire some emotion in others, who craved attention, who wanted to try and hurt someone else… over Noblegarden Eggs.

Well, he did inspire some emotion in me, and he did get some attention, but I doubt either was what he had in mind.

I mean, really. Noblegarden Eggs? What a hero.

Not exactly the all time villain of the month, here.

But I feel his lack of effort, his lazy, casual asshattery deserves to be recognised. To me, he truly represents the asshat you all know and encounter, all the time.

Not the grand villain, not the imaginative effort, not the vile loot ninja from Ulduar pugs or the race-hate spewing toad from general chat, not even that guy in a PUG that talked trash and then bailed on a heroic when he didn’t win a loot roll.

Just a common, ordinary, asshat. A person that might not go too far out of their way to be a dick… but when presented with a chance to spread some sorrow or annoyance, to hurt someone else, no matter how petty, to shoplift the CD when nobody is looking or snag five bucks from his mom’s purse when he thinks he won’t get caught… takes the opportunity.

It’s not the grand villains that cause the problems, not really. Even if you get totally served by one, at least you’ve got a funny story to tell.

It’s the whiny little sad sacks like Voltarius, the ones that have no qualms about being a dick in passing to strangers. They are the ones that annoy folks the most. Because it’s just a little, teeny annoyance. You know, you KNOW it’s nothing worth getting worked up about.

You know that all they want is to get a rise out of you, so you say nothing. You just go on about your business, whether you meet them in WoW or in real life. But you’re annoyed just the same, if only for a moment. Just a teeny little grinding away at your good mood, a little harshing of your fun.

The spiritual equivalent of dog poop on your sneakers, you know?

So by all means, if you happen to be on Kael’thas (US), and you have a moment, be sure and say “Hi!” to our own resident asshat, Voltarius.

He plays a vital role in our community, and we appreciate it.

After all, every village needs it’s idiot.

EDIT: I’ve had a few people whisper in to let me know they think I was upset when I wrote this, and by posting it, the asshats win. If I had been upset, you’d be totally right, but I was actually laughing pretty hard. I had a great deal of fun writing it… I kept getting hung up on the ludicrous nature of people trying to grief egg gathering. They’re eggs, tough guy! Awww, didums want a pretty pink dress? roflmao.

My one regret is that, while I was having fun being snarky, I did not offer any solutions. This is a terrible miscarriage of justice on my part!

That is why I direct you to go read this post by Medivh Gold. After all, it’s always better to take action than to walk away muttering.

26 Responses to “Another holiday, another bunch of asshats”
  1. Awlbiste says:

    Noblegarden, or as I like to call it, Campgarden. So far this holiday has been pretty horrible. Luckily tonight I found a spawn point with no one at it and grabbed it up. I tried to find someone to give it to when I was done even but I guess nobody cared. I just need my bunny pet and the flower main hand bouquet and I can stop having to deal with asshats like that guy.

  2. Lady Jess says:

    I can’t believe the sheer number for this event. It is crazy!

  3. Veroicone says:

    I found some pretty good spawn spots in Azure Watch (a girl in the guild told me about it since she got her pet from an egg and knew I still wanted one :D), no one bothered me and I had two lovely egg spots to chose from. Although, before that I was minding my own business with several others in the largest spawn spot in that area (with the benches in a circle) when, as well a fellow NELF druid, decided she didn’t want to be patient and “fight” for them she wanted to switch into moonkin form and sit on them so that only she could click on them. I didn’t even bother saying to her, but emote slapped her and later on when she stood up snatched the egg she was sitting on :P I personally find the event more fun when you actually hunt for the eggs, but with a person or two per spawn spot it makes it a bit difficult. Another asshat was some girl yelling at anyone that got even close to her area, one guy was just using the mailbox haha. Oh, and another one earlier in the day I was at the same large spawn spot and stood in one area when a girl whispered me and fussed at me for being in her area .. she had 6 spawn spots next to her. People amaze me sometimes.

    So all in all, eggs bring out the asshats. But on the bright side I got the pet from an egg and everything else and almost have title …

  4. Dirz says:

    He was right, you damn camper;) I’m just waiting until Wednesday, I figure all the hubbub will have gone out of noble garden, and there is raiding to do in the meantime;)

  5. Rowtan says:

    I’ve not seen any major problems with these. Virtually everyone I have seen (horde side!) have simply run round in a route – and it is a VERY fast spawn rate. I suspect the more people picking up eggs, the faster they spawn. There was one particular spot in Bloodhoof village where 4 eggs can spawn very close together – often a new one appears almost as soon as you’ve finished picking up the fourth one.

  6. Aeltyr says:

    @Rowtan: if I’m not mistaken, one player looting an egg means another spawns, somewhere.
    @BBB: don’t camp a spawn ! It’s slower and a lot more boring.

  7. Bo says:

    I’m with Dirz, I tried to do this on my Horde Druid (who just hit 30 this weekend) and Bloodhoof was camped to high heaven. Switching onto my Alliance Shammy I was even more confused when the Draenei starter area was buzzing too, that place is normally dead to all. I’ll wait a few days and then go at it once everyone else is bored.

  8. Trijem says:

    Hm, since he just said “Waaaaah” that doesn’t make him an asshat – maybe not very polite but maybe he was in the same situation as you (limited time). I don’t know your server, I just know mine and every alliance-city was flooded (100+ players in each at any time – to bad for that horde-warlock who was dumb enough to ride through such a city with 100+ frustrated players eager for some distraction). So it basically were 2-3 players per node. There was little to no running because if you werent frantically clicking that spawnpoint you had like no chance to get a single egg. It took me 15 hours yesterday to get all the necessary items (RNG doesn’t love me) – I got my title by camping outside of shattered halls for the only dwarf female around 11pm XD – together with 20+ other desperate players.

  9. Moondancer says:

    I’m not going to do any holiday gathering until later in the week. I really don’t feel like competing with anyone for a spawn point and dealing with people like Voltarius. Besides I really hate crowds, yes even in-game so I’ll be perfectly happy to gather the eggs when it’s not as crazy. Interestingly enough, I have seen that toon a few times while I was on my bank toon in Iron Forge, and I’ve seen that guild name all over Azeroth.

    I had my village idiot a few days ago. I was in Zangarmarh (Dead Mire) a Frost mage was there questing or grinding. I moved on the other side to give him more than enough Bog lords to kill. Well that wasn’t good enough he had to come all the way to the other side of the mire to attempt to round up mine too. I moved back toe other side, he followed me. Yeah it was obvious he was just trying to be an asshat. Greedy, much? There was more than enough on either side so that we both could complete our quest. I moved out of his way one more time, he followed but this time his plan backfired. He got a little too greedy and rounded up too many lords. His health dropped fast. It was obvious that he was going to die if something didn’t happen. I wasn’t about to help him, but he did blink, but he finished blinking into another set of mobs. So the new mobs along with the old mobs had their way with him. I guess that time paybacks came quickly. I finished up my quest and left.

  10. velk says:

    Ah, Ninja Garden as I like to call it :D

    Its kind of weird, I really like this event. Im a bit of a cleptomaniac when it comes to such challenges as this. It took me 3 days to get exhaulted with the Netherwing due to my insane Drake Egg hunts, logging on at 2 am, 4 am and 6 am to loop the spawn points.

    I find theres two ways to do this…

    You can camp a spot (theres a few spots with 3-5 eggs in reaching distance) or you can just do loops.

    Loops seems the most successful but requires lots of concentration. I have no idea if I ever ninjad from anyone – on the basis half thepoeple sat at spawn points never seemed to pick up thieir eggs, so I just went around stopping at everyone I could see spawn. I only once got in someones way – and it just so happened in this case I was at a spawn, dismounting, started looting THEN someone run over and yelled WTH… Felt bad after that, but was iinnocent :/

    For best results just logon in off hours – I got all the eggs and items I required in about 2 hours of egg hunting last night – all I need to do is Shake my bunny maker and go on the Desert rose flight to plant the seeds and jump in the un’goro holiday spa (or so it seems theres so many people bathing in it right now.)

    I started at about 11am yesterday on my priest, stopped a few times to play with my son, feed him, make dinner for the family, and a quick heroic Naxx run, and a “noble” by 12:30am server time. I then hopped on my Mage at 2am server time and was done before 4am server time bar the flight loop and some bunny-maker shaking…

    I think Im a little weird.

    I got off topic… as someone a bawhair from making 2 characters “nobles” in a short period of time, I recommend you login at off hours and just run about collecting – or if you do decide to sit and wait for spawns (done this many times when eating or not able to pay much attention) pick a good spot with several eggs – and expect to see many get snatched from under your nose – either from a lucky passer by, or from someone else sat nearby camping spawns next to yours. (overlapping grabs)

    Asshats are everywhere – but this is a very difficult event to identify them as either people that got lucky with overlapping spawns, or people on patrols who got lucky and clicked first (theyre not about to wait and see if you grab it because someone else will grab it first if your afk :p)

    This guy though… def seems an asshat to me. He may as well have parked himself in bear form on one of the spawns so you couldnt even click it if it spawned…

    Presenting Ninja Garden everyone. The only world event that would have been more entertaining if all the villages have been turned into arenas for people to duke it out over the eggs.

    Still. Im enjoying – and looking forward to putting up an easter egg hunt in the near future :p

  11. Jacemora says:

    To me this is one of those don’t hate the player, hate the game moments. Why does Blizzard see it necessary to only have eggs spawning in so few locations. If the eggs were spawned worldwide people would pick these up during their everyday activities and would actually make the event fun. No, Blizz decides to have thousands of people trying to get eggs all in the same little town. Not saying the guy wasn’t a jerk, just saying that some aspects of the game foster this in people and could be avoided.

  12. S-L says:

    Is camping for eggs really the fastest way to do it? I saw so many people camped at spawn points and those folks could not have been having an enjoyable time. Why wait a minute for 1 egg when you can bounce around as a bunny and get 5 or 6 eggs in the same amount of time? I gladly gave up an egg knowing another was just around the corner. It was fun to hop around rather than fume silently waiting for a coloured egg to spawn.

    Collecting eggs wasn’t the problem – finding a female dwarf and troll when the Spring Flowers were not on cool down – that was a challenge. :)

  13. Orbitz says:

    Sadly, asshat druids are fairly common on my server – even against their own kind. I don’t think they realize its a week long event – if they don’t do it the first day they explode or their accounts get banned or something. -shrug- Trust me it annoyed me. But I didn’t have to spend all my time picking up eggs since I woke up reasonably early. -salute to the generic asshat- Because my god it wouldn’t be WoW if they weren’t around. It’d be “Hello Kitty Cutie World” ;)

  14. Kayeri says:

    I got in early to a good spawn spot in Goldshire, and got enough chocolate for flowers and the robe… then wandered off did other things… Returned later in the afternoon and found an uncamped spawn spot and got more (my bunny dropped then). Then I wandered off to do the acheivements and hit Kharanos last night for the last 15 chocolates I needed to munch on. :) I got my pet and the title, still on course for the proto-drake mount at Hallow’s End this year. :) Next week is going to suck… I have NO clue on pvp stuff…I hope guildies will be able to guide me through. :) But I managed to do it without bumping anyone out of a spot, which makes me happy.

  15. Asara says:

    I haven’t devoted a whole lot of time to this holiday yet, but I do want that little bunny pet, so I’ll put in some more when I can this week. I went to Goldshire, and all of the spawn points were camped except for one, so I just sat down and waited. There were two egg spawns in clicking distance, so I figure I made out pretty well compared to some. I got two dresses and two tuxedo shirts, as well as a good start on enough chocolates to buy the bunny pet. That was in about half an hour. I missed a couple because I wasn’t paying attention, but a couple of people got their “I found one!” achievement from it, so I didn’t really mind. Someone had even made an orc female and ran her over to Goldshire, in case people would need one for that particular achievement.

    I think I got lucky. :D

  16. BlueTiger says:

    I found this event to be fun – haven’t really done any of the others (can’t/won’t pvp to save my life so any event with a pvp-element is out the door) but this one I’m almost done with after one night! I just flopped around as a wabbit for a couple of hours in Kharanos and Azure Watch and got all my eggs :)

  17. Awlbiste says:

    The thing about doing loops is that, at least on my server, there were 2-3 people per spawn point (in every town) so either you were wasting time because you would never get one, or you would inevitably ninja from someone. I just waited around and found a spawn after someone left both times I did this yesterday.

  18. boojah says:

    I had a spot like this, was just sitting there, 2 egg spawns near me. Sometimes the loopers would come by and get one, but most of the time I was there for them, no biggie. A buddy asked me to go to a BG with him, I said np. Did the BG, spawned back to where I was… clicked an egg… and had someone start saying “you’re a putz” and “go find your own spot”. I ignored them. They whispered me that it was their own spot, they were there first, and I should go somewhere else. Now, I figured I could scamper off to some other spot and deal with the same thing all over again, or I could just keep clicking egg. So I did. Basically on my server you can’t go anywhere without insane competition for spots, the remote ones are really the best, and even if someone else comes along, it’s still pretty good odds. I’d like to be courteous and let people have “squatters rights”, and I’d love to have them myself, but this seems like a failure on Bliz, not me. I tried the running around and respecting others, but every spot has someone on it and you’re just offending a new person. I let it go and figure if people are offended by me clicking “their” egg, I can’t change it.

  19. ARA says:

    I eventually found a nice spawning point in azure watch – 3 or 4 eggs were all mine for 45mins, so I got most of my stuff done in that time. I think its a bad design; could be fun, but very frustrating for the most part – unless you get lucky. The thing is that you’re not really hunting for hidden eggs, because we all know where the eggs spawn. Its basically a “right-click as quick as you can” event. Still. better than last year, at least we have a whole week.

  20. Phaedra says:

    I guess I was lucky. I started about 7:30 AM in Dolanaar and within 2 hours, I had gotten about 225 eggs, getting everything but the bunny out of the eggs. There weren’t a lot of campers, mostly a healthy amount of people running loops, so there was a constant spawning of eggs. I admit, I was the druid in travel form, running around like mad. However, no one seemed seemed to be bothering anyone else. It really felt like a normal egg hunt, with little foot races towards the egg and then running off in search of the next one. I also wasn’t too worried about this holiday, as the RNG gods are completely beatable. Sure, everyone’s looking for eggs NOW, but the bulk of the achievement getters finished it up already. Mid-week I’m thinking about taking my bank alt down to get her some pretty new clothes.

  21. Erinys says:

    Go to Terokkar, its really quiet in comparison to the start zones and there are lots of spawn points. I play on a full server and I’ve only seen one or two people out egghunting there compared to the 49 plus in each of the start zones.

  22. Syll says:

    lol bbb! I’ve been waiting patiently for a new hall of famer. Gratz on finding such a wonderful specimen!

  23. Jagg says:

    I had a found a great remote spot in Dolanaar on my Hunter during the busiest part of the day. After getting my 100, I logged to my Mage and headed back over. To my surprise, a NELF Druid had moved into MY bushes with 3 spawns!

    At first I started clicking like mad in frustration, then I realized how stupid that was. So I /w the Druid: “I’m out, enjoy the spot”. They reply “Oh hey thanks! I only need 20more. I’ll tell you when I’m done”.

    I hit up a few lowbie quests and got a tell a few minutes later. The Druid thanked me and said how much they appreciated it. We chatted a bit more and I had made a new friend.

    So BBB for every asshat, there are still plenty of nice people and warm fuzzies you get for playing the game.

  24. Easternwind says:

    I found this post very interesting since very few people actually make laps around the towns on my server, but spawn camp constantly. I found a nice little niche for myself, and go back there when I feel like farming eggs. However, on the same token I haven’t had anyone accuse me of squatting on their spot. It’s pretty much assumed on my server that we are all a bunch of egg-fiend animals, and it’s a free-for-all. (Vulgar? Quite!)

    My real feelings are what entitles a person to said spot? Were you truly the first person to get said spot? If a couple of people are competing who wins the spot? I wish I had time to do a more in-depth sociological study! :D

  25. Leah says:

    personally – I plan on logging in the middle of the night, probably wednesday (since its the most convenient day for me), when very few people are actually playing and plan on getting my pet then AND a polymorph rabbit book for my mage alt. in the meantime, I’m leveling a female dwarf hunter since they seem to be in hiding at this time O_O.

    Best way I found of dealing with internet asshats is simply to ignore them and wait them out. someone is camping me as I o about Sholozar with Lafoo and takes my treasures before I can click on them. dismiss lafoo and just stand there afk. someone decides to bathe their mammoth in a tiny fountain in Dalaran? step away slightly and AFK again. funny thing – they go away sooner then you’d think, I’m back to what i’ve been doing and asshat is annoyed because they haven’t managed to spoil my fun :)

  26. velk says:

    Still enjoying the event, two Noble characters now – and I have to agree with some of the comments – its a hunt = unless its overly camped, get hunting for them eggs – its way more enjoyable!

    If not – 2am it – youll be done within an hour!

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