“People in the guild are so nice, I started to forget what asshats there are in the game. Now I remember.”
So, Noblegarden is active.
Eggs are out there, but only in the race starter zones. There are many spawn areas in each starter village, but as you might expect, with spawn sites the way they are… asshats have a lot of power to be themselves. I’m sure many of you have found this out, and met with some frustrating moments.
It says a lot about the game that there are so many opportunities to run across asshats. There really is a lot that’s going on, all the time. It’s pretty cool to have such a vital community, still, after so many years.
The asshats are just the dandruff that won’t go away, no matter how much Selsun Blue you use.
Tonight, I have for your entertainment, a story of one of our own. A Druid.
A Druid that proves that asshats can be of any class or race, even the Night Elf Druid. Shocking, but true.
Ah, and what a petty little asshat he is, too.
Sadly, I do not have an epic tale of woe to share with you all.
He is nothing special. Just a lame little asshat worthy of little else in this life but the random abuse the world will assuredly bring him. But he does serve as a target for me to share with you, someone that you can take pleasure at seeing called out, to represent for us all this particular holiday’s inevitable tools.
Feel free to think about your own meetings with asshats, and pretend that Voltarius the Pathetic of Kael’thas was the one that annoyed you, and let loose with a little giggle as he shows us all his /fail.
Let me set the stage.
It was a night like any other, and the eggs were there to be found.
I’d traveled from the cramped villages of Goldshire and Dun Morogh in search of a place less frequented than most. The Night Elves seemed to be the most open of the choices I visited, and so I decided to tarry there a while.
I saw that most folks that were there were either camping remote ares, or were taking routes around the village.
As I didn’t want to interfere with others, I found a quiet spot under the bridge, and proceeded to await my eggs. They spawned about once a minute on the average, which was fine with me. I had 30 minutes before I must away, and so I might luckily see 30 eggs all told before I left the WoW in search of my bed. It was nice sitting there, out of the way of others. Nobody came to bother me, for the village was pretty wide open for spawn points.
I just sat there, got about 20 eggs, and listened to Lewis Black on iTunes, until he came along.
The lame little immature asshat.
Of course. It is WoW, and a publicly accessible event, after all. To people like Voltarius, that just spells another opportunity to make someone else HAVE to recognise he exists. God knows nobody in the real world does. (That is just an assumption… but I’d have to say, based on the evidence, it seems like a reasonable guess. Allow me the poetic license this once.)
I don’t really have to tell you, do I? Of course not.
In a village full of spawn points, where it was actually fairly empty compared to all the other areas, he comes over, stands next to me in cheetah form, and spends the next 10 minutes frantically clicking every egg spawn that comes along, and with a 1 minute spawn rate, and many other open areas in the village, that takes a determination to do one thing and one thing only… be an asshat and inconvenience someone else. After all, assuming I get half, that’s a net waste of his time, right?
I didn’t race to try and get them from him, though. I didn’t bother. I kept clicking on egg spawns at my own pace, and surprisingly, I did get one.
I could just see him in my minds eye, desperately clicking the spawn point, hoping against hope that he’d get it first, the saliva dangling from the corner of his lips, his slack, mouth-breathing face aglow with the ecstasy of my imagined frustration.
They’re eggs. It’s a week long event. I only need 100 (or a lucky hit) to get my bunny pet, which is all I want. I can get up a half hour early a couple times and be assured of no competition at all. So… moron alert, but other than that… so what?
But I’m curious, as usual. The mind of the immature asshat is a fairly foreign thing to me. He’s got good gear, clearly he is able to pretend to be mature or reliable enough to be part of a raiding guild that has success… so what is going through his head right now? It’s not about the eggs, so what is it?
Before I just come here to the blog and dump a screenshot and some invective upon him, is there a chance I could converse peaceably? Ask him politely if he would allow me to continue getting the eggs from this spot I’d been at alone for the last 20 minutes? There are plenty of other spots that are open, after all, and I’m leaving in 10 minutes anyway. Maybe he’s not such a bad guy, after all. Maybe, my being in pink bunny form confuses the poor, wee lad. Maybe my hopping up and down and dropping eggs out the back is mistaken as part of the celebration!
And maybe bunny form will sprout wings and fly.
Okay, sure, he just wants that little recognition to satisfy his childish soul, something to satisfy that desperate craving to be seen, to matter to somebody, that heartfelt longing to touch someone. Most asshats seem to feed off attention, to draw strength from it, to revel in knowing they have finally touched someone, anyone. But maybe, if I talk to him, it will pacify his inner child, full of selfish nerd rage.
What the heck, no matter what happens, it can only make for a better eventual blog post, amiright? And I have been surprised in the past. Sometimes, someone stops after having done something like raced up to a mining node that I was standing at fighting a mob, grabbed it, raced off… and then come back, apologised, saying they hadn’t seen me there until too late, and actually opened a trade window to give me the ore.
I always decline the ore, because consideration like that deserves a reward, but it HAS happened. So why just assume? Maybe something magical will occur!
So, I asked him, very politely, as politely as you could possibly wish, if he would please, pretty please let me have the spot I’d been at for the last twenty minutes, as I had limited time, and had to leave in a few minutes. I just wanted a couple more eggs before logging. Please?
His response? ”Waaaaaaah”.
I thanked him kindly for his response, and he actually replied “np”. Oh yes, yes he did.
Well, nobody can say that I didn’t try.
So I hereby present to you, my friends and collegues, my second nomination for the Kael’thas Hall of Shame; Voltarius, of The Ebon School guild.
As I said, there is nothing special about him. He has no special gift of imagination, he makes no special example of being exceptionally rude or offensive. There is in fact nothing exceptional about him whatsoever.
He is completely mediocre in every way, just a lame little asshat that wanted to inspire some emotion in others, who craved attention, who wanted to try and hurt someone else… over Noblegarden Eggs.
Well, he did inspire some emotion in me, and he did get some attention, but I doubt either was what he had in mind.
I mean, really. Noblegarden Eggs? What a hero.
Not exactly the all time villain of the month, here.
But I feel his lack of effort, his lazy, casual asshattery deserves to be recognised. To me, he truly represents the asshat you all know and encounter, all the time.
Not the grand villain, not the imaginative effort, not the vile loot ninja from Ulduar pugs or the race-hate spewing toad from general chat, not even that guy in a PUG that talked trash and then bailed on a heroic when he didn’t win a loot roll.
Just a common, ordinary, asshat. A person that might not go too far out of their way to be a dick… but when presented with a chance to spread some sorrow or annoyance, to hurt someone else, no matter how petty, to shoplift the CD when nobody is looking or snag five bucks from his mom’s purse when he thinks he won’t get caught… takes the opportunity.
It’s not the grand villains that cause the problems, not really. Even if you get totally served by one, at least you’ve got a funny story to tell.
It’s the whiny little sad sacks like Voltarius, the ones that have no qualms about being a dick in passing to strangers. They are the ones that annoy folks the most. Because it’s just a little, teeny annoyance. You know, you KNOW it’s nothing worth getting worked up about.
You know that all they want is to get a rise out of you, so you say nothing. You just go on about your business, whether you meet them in WoW or in real life. But you’re annoyed just the same, if only for a moment. Just a teeny little grinding away at your good mood, a little harshing of your fun.
The spiritual equivalent of dog poop on your sneakers, you know?
So by all means, if you happen to be on Kael’thas (US), and you have a moment, be sure and say “Hi!” to our own resident asshat, Voltarius.
He plays a vital role in our community, and we appreciate it.
After all, every village needs it’s idiot.
EDIT: I’ve had a few people whisper in to let me know they think I was upset when I wrote this, and by posting it, the asshats win. If I had been upset, you’d be totally right, but I was actually laughing pretty hard. I had a great deal of fun writing it… I kept getting hung up on the ludicrous nature of people trying to grief egg gathering. They’re eggs, tough guy! Awww, didums want a pretty pink dress? roflmao.
My one regret is that, while I was having fun being snarky, I did not offer any solutions. This is a terrible miscarriage of justice on my part!
That is why I direct you to go read this post by Medivh Gold. After all, it’s always better to take action than to walk away muttering.