I’m gonna go off the rails for a minute, and just talk about this whole blogging thing with you, whether you read blogs, write them, or are obtaining this info from some wierd torture session.
Something I’m wondering, never having done what is effectively a daily journal or fracking diary before, is what if anything I can learn about myself from having done this thing daily for years.
Like everything else, I write on the blog one day at a time, as and when something to say crosses what passes for my mind.
But those days add up, don’t they? After a while, hey, I’ve been doing this for years.
So, what I’m wondering is, if I go back to my own archives, will I find any signs of personal growth?
I’ll explain what I mean.
I think it’s important to always be open to the world around me, observing, thinking, analysing, myself and my own behavior as well as others. Testing my own previously held conclusions in the light of new information received, or different perspectives of viewing things.
I know I don’t know everything, but I knew that when I was young. Now I’ve finally reached what passes in my opinion for wisdom… I also accept I don’t really know ANYTHING, either.
One way for me to recognise how my thinking may change over time is simply to revisit books I haven’t read in many years, and see how much more I get out of the book, how much more I may understand, or what connections or meanings I just missed before.
The best way for me to clearly see just how much my thinking has changed over the years, however, was simply to pick up something I wrote creatively, a story or (heaven forbid) poem, and re-read it.
The naivety, in my opinion, fairly screams from the page, begging me to purge it’s existence from the universe.
I go back to something I’ve written as little as five years ago, and it seems as though I was a complete idiot, there are so many things I would do differently, or phrase differently, or areas where I just wonder what the hell I was thinking.
What’s different about this now, is that I don’t have one story to pick up from five years ago to get a stark “That was then, this is now” perspective. Instead, I’ve got a couple years of daily writing, and it seems to me that if I’ve changed, it’s happened a bit at a time along the way without me noticing.
What’s my point to all this?
Well, I wonder if the very act of daily writing down things, of thinking about things and expressing them here, of being actively analytical or of cogitating on random events and the game and associated stuff has had any effect on my personal growth whatsoever.
Wondering if by writing and thinking about writing and wondering how I feel about this or that, or remembering my past more than I used to (mining for stories, of course), or simply looking deeper at the things that go on around us on a daily basis, my mental behavior has changed.
And I don’t mean that change necessarily means I’ve grown. It just means I’ve changed.
If I went back to those old posts and read them, would I feel like I do about my other creative writing?
Will I find that, again, I’m amazed at how immature or naive my younger self now seems….
Or instead, will I find that I can’t really find any signs of growth or change at all? That I’ve been stagnant, that I’m standing still?
Or, and this is the best thought ever, would I find that I used to actually think clearer or seemed MORE mature back then, and I’m heading backwards? Am I regressing to an asshat?
Well, more of an asshat, I suppose I should say.
My fellow bloggers, what do you think about this blogging thing? I really wonder, are we kind of freezing ourselves in place as we write daily, spending so much time thinking about the now or dwelling in the past that we aren’t spending enough time moving forward and growing and changing?
Change in life usually isn’t big events that transform your life, it’s usually small things, grains of sand that drift or settle a little more each day, and over time, those grains of sand become a beach, and the beach the foundation upon which a castle of identity forms.
When you’re moving forward, you don’t see the grains of sand settling in place, but when you look back upon your life, you should find that you are looking back upon your past from the battlements of your castle of understanding.
I guess I’m wondering if, in the last few years, I’ve gained any sand, if I’ve just paused to sit in my castle and do nothing, or if the water is eroding the foundations under my feet.
Oh hell, today is Friday, I’m supposed to be posting something lighthearted and fun.
Crap, sorry about that.