Video Game Definitions

The “Good” controller: The one controller out of dozens in the house you are convinced actually works. Often fought over when playing multiplayer fighting games.

The “S.O.B.” controller: The controller you throw across the room with all of your might, screaming “Son of a bitch”, after losing your last life to a totally cheesy bugged jump platform 30 minutes after the last game save. Often discovered to have formerly been the good controller.

Vintage Game Console: A game console you remember as being made of solid gold (or costing as if it were), having the greatest games of all time, and providing thousands of hours of pure joy. When plugged in, often crashes in mid-game at the wrong time, requiring the cartridge to be removed, taken apart, and an eraser run over the corroded copper contacts to make it work again.

Headset Microphone: Intended for use in coordinating actions in a multiplayer game. Actually used to listen to random people talk about sex, getting high, and bitching about corpse campers and loot ninjas.

Handheld gaming system: The dangerous big brother of the SOB controller. Most wonderful invention known to man after the bacon sandwich, except when you try to play it in direct sunlight. Usually designed without an internal light, forcing gamers to seek out a delicate balance between daylight and shadow, known as ‘gamers twilight’. Versions made with internal lights, or screens that can be seen in daylight, are released as new models costing more than the original, and yet the corporate offices are, surprisingly, not stormed. Often found in bathrooms and in school book bags next to undone homework.

Video Card: An excuse to spend thousands of dollars over the years in a deranged suicidal arms race love pact with hardware designers and graphics programmers to see who will crack first. If a video card were finally released that was capable of modeling the real world in 3D in finer resolution than the eye could recognise, a video game would be released 3 months later that required two of the cards in a parallel configuration to run at max resolution. And people would buy them.

Games intended for children: Made with horrible graphics, terrible repetitive gameplay, poor controls, and game crashing bugs. Sells very well due to featuring a licensed character from a television show or popular product line that parents recognise when desperately trying to find a present for other people’s children.

Games intended for teens: Feature platforming puzzles, cute characters, fast gameplay and cartoony graphics. Primarily played by adults. Frequently kept on gamers shelves for years, even decades, from a fondness for the tight gameplay experience.

Games Rated M for Mature: Games intended for mature players, commonly containing nudity, profanity, extreme violence or gore, murder, death, slaughter, wanton chaos and cruelty to small furry animals. Primarily played by teens. The video game equivalent of the horror film; talked about at school in hushed tones, the ‘cool’ kids have all either played it or have seen it played. Kids watch scenes of gameplay on Youtube to be “in the know”. Frequently dumped two weeks after release in favor of the new, hot, controversial game on the market, and never heard of again.

Massively Multiplayer Role Playing Game: Any game where the core gameplay comes from a persistent world filled with a large community of live players. As each game design company works harder to make a more pleasing and enticing world to draw in new players, more people decide to abandon the real world to lose themselves in a happier place where things make more sense. Eventually the design wars will result in the creation of an online utopia, the real world will be abandoned, and people will have wires stuck up their butts and be turned into batteries.

Original author of every word… ME! (BBB)

Why? Because I thought it would be funny.  Feel free to add your own, I could go on for hours… I didn’t even touch console wars, console versus PC, PC versus Mac… man, these things write themselves.

19 Responses to “Video Game Definitions”
  1. Copey says:

    Vintage Game Console: The Nintendo Entertainment System, or, as we called it, the NES. The only console system I never sold, I still have the original one we got back in 1987. It works pretty good, and my son is always dissapointed when I won’t let him play it by him self.

  2. Dracomage says:

    Just one more turn: Unbelievable at turning gamers into sleep-deprived zombies. (See Turn-based strategy games)
    .-= Dracomage´s last blog ..Bear gearing =-.

  3. Spinks says:

    Vintage Game Console: The one your husband has lovingly packed up in its original box with every game he ever owned for it, taking up valuable real estate space in the attic. Where despite the fact that it hasn’t even been touched since you moved it, it will never be sold (or probably even moved).

  4. Elleseven says:

    MMORPG for Kids: A game that seems innocent and fun and free at first…until your child realizes that their penguin doesn’t have any bling bling outfits or wigs or a snazzy disco igloo. They will then pester their parents to buy them more upgrades costing more and more in hopes of your child having the coolest igloo on the block. While the parents are content to have their child not bothering them while being immersed in a “fun” game, little do they realize that these cyber penguins are having cyber boyfriends/girlfriends in these igloos or if they are not interested in the opposite sex they may just be starting a penguin cartel that goes around wrecking havoc in the penguin world like its Vice City.

  5. Edyion says:

    The Platform Jump “Lean”: Contrary to what the newer consoles would have you believe any gamer that has experienced the 16 bit console game play and older can tell you that all console controllers are motion sensitive. This is more evident when playing 2-D platformers where one has to complete a long jump and finds that leaning with the controller during this jump completes the jump much safely as opposed to merely slumping in your chair and pressing the buttons. The “lean” also works for all racing games and certain 2-D fighting combinations.
    .-= Edyion´s last blog ..So The Cat IS Alive =-.

  6. Mannyac says:

    Spinks…That’s cause your husband knows that SOMeday(like maybe in 2102) it will be worth a bunch of money. heh

  7. Becky says:

    “Usually designed without an internal light, forcing gamers to seek out a delicate balance between daylight and shadow, known as ‘gamers twilight’. ”

    Love!

  8. bigbearbutt says:

    Edyion, I have to address that one. You hit the nail on the head.

    I was first introduced to the “lean” in the original Star Wars X-Wing game for the PC… a long, long, LONG time ago.

    Using a joystick, guiding your X-Wing through the rings on the training course… and by God, every turn I was throwing my whole body into leaning into those turns and diving down, desperately trying to force my X-Wing to make the turn.

  9. Sarabian says:

    Work – that place you go that has a better internet connection than yours at home, has a plug to attach your laptop to the internet, and a place on your desk to sit said laptop while you “eat your lunch”.

    Or is that just me?

  10. Mannyac says:

    Video Game… something you play while waiting for your next PBeM turn… Yeah yeah I know hehe

  11. Kattrinsaa says:

    @bear, how many joysticks did you break on x-wing/tiefighter/XvsT? Combined i broke 14…
    Trench run anyone? The playability of xwing was great.

    No matter what I do, I can’t seem to get those, or WC Privateer to work right in dosbox… todays computers are too fast to re-run some great classics.

    @ game developers, PLEASE re-create some of the most excellent classic games that will work under the current version of windoze.

    Fast forward to your PS3, the “lean” REALLY DOES WORK on some games. If you have the thumbs for it, Heavenly sword has some killer features (and i’m not just talking about the heroine of the story). you can control ranged projectiles with your 6axis controller. Guiding a cannonball/crossbow bolt from going somewhere other than it’s normal ballistic path is kinda cool. but hitting those targets can be a real PITA.
    .-= Kattrinsaa´s last blog ..Just a minute dear =-.

  12. Elegantdeath says:

    Tyson – Throwing your controller in a fit of anger.

  13. dorgol says:

    Damn, but I loved X-Wing / Tie Fighter. First PC game I ever spent my own money on was X-Wing. First “shareware” ever haned to me by a store clerk (in a Babbages – I don’t even think that store exists anymore) was Tie Fighter. I remember the excitement I felt the first time I got “Extended Memory” working – and thus had SOUND!

    Growing up we didn’t have most of these gaming systems, so I don’t have much to add to the controllers, hand-held, headphones entries.

    How about:

    The silent quarter: This is the quarter you place on the arcade machine signifying that you “play the winner” of the current match. No words are spoken, but everyone understands that you have next game.

  14. Kaethir says:

    how about:

    MMORPG: See Devourer of Souls.

  15. Kattrinsaa says:

    The most fun I had at an arcade in recent memory, was a VR “Mech” pod game at a Dave and Busters in houston. I climbed into one pod, my dad into another. You had complete immersion with video screens on all sides displaying what you would see if you looked this way or that. Keypad and joysticks for controls, switches buttons and flashing lights. It was a blast, literally… Dad snuck in behind me and blew one of my mech’s legs off while i was hunting other people..
    … Never assume your dad is automatically going to be on your side. lol….
    .-= Kattrinsaa´s last blog ..Just a minute dear =-.

  16. Intravax says:

    Girlfriend/Boyfriend/Spouse Agro: The negative energy that is directed your way after raiding an hour longer than you said and still having the best attempt at 3%. These individuals are faced with a decision whether to try one last time and then stay at max range of this person for the rest of the day or play it safe and log for the night. Some enterprising individuals have found ways to reduce “threat” such as /use flowers or /summon lawnmower or by professions such as “Cooking” and “Jewelcrafting”.

  17. Kattrinsaa says:

    Here’s a term, Gamer’s Thumb : Result of a 12 hour marathon fighting game session (ie. Tekken, Soul Calibre, Mortal Kombat)
    Symptoms, – thumb is extremely sensitive/raw, the joints are sore, and occasional random spasms of button mashing even when there’s no controller in your hand. Additionally, your hand seems permanently affixed in the controller cradling position

    Another that FPS gamers experience is the dreaded LPB (low ping B!@#$), usually one carrying a sniper rifle and located in an elevated position.. These fun seekers usually are sitting on the same lan as the host machine, so are operating at roughly 7ms behind the server, while the rest of us are 1/8-1/2 second behind.. A lot can happen in a half second. Nothing like a 50 cal round in the head to end your game real quick.

  18. Bromson says:

    lmfao at all of these, these are great gang.

    QWERTY – The mark of a true gamer. One receives this honor mark by playing a game so long that they slam their face into the keyboard and fall asleep while others on Vent snicker at the snoring sound coming thru your microphone and watching your character being gored in the butt by a wild pig while said toon walks forever into a tree. The top keys of the keyboard will then brand a backwards QWERTY onto the chosen one.

  19. @ Elegantdeath – LOL.
    Punch out – A game featuring Tyson and little mike. Not a mmorpg game though. It’s a Nintendo game.

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