Video Game Definitions
The “Good” controller: The one controller out of dozens in the house you are convinced actually works. Often fought over when playing multiplayer fighting games.
The “S.O.B.” controller: The controller you throw across the room with all of your might, screaming “Son of a bitch”, after losing your last life to a totally cheesy bugged jump platform 30 minutes after the last game save. Often discovered to have formerly been the good controller.
Vintage Game Console: A game console you remember as being made of solid gold (or costing as if it were), having the greatest games of all time, and providing thousands of hours of pure joy. When plugged in, often crashes in mid-game at the wrong time, requiring the cartridge to be removed, taken apart, and an eraser run over the corroded copper contacts to make it work again.
Headset Microphone: Intended for use in coordinating actions in a multiplayer game. Actually used to listen to random people talk about sex, getting high, and bitching about corpse campers and loot ninjas.
Handheld gaming system: The dangerous big brother of the SOB controller. Most wonderful invention known to man after the bacon sandwich, except when you try to play it in direct sunlight. Usually designed without an internal light, forcing gamers to seek out a delicate balance between daylight and shadow, known as ‘gamers twilight’. Versions made with internal lights, or screens that can be seen in daylight, are released as new models costing more than the original, and yet the corporate offices are, surprisingly, not stormed. Often found in bathrooms and in school book bags next to undone homework.
Video Card: An excuse to spend thousands of dollars over the years in a deranged suicidal arms race love pact with hardware designers and graphics programmers to see who will crack first. If a video card were finally released that was capable of modeling the real world in 3D in finer resolution than the eye could recognise, a video game would be released 3 months later that required two of the cards in a parallel configuration to run at max resolution. And people would buy them.
Games intended for children: Made with horrible graphics, terrible repetitive gameplay, poor controls, and game crashing bugs. Sells very well due to featuring a licensed character from a television show or popular product line that parents recognise when desperately trying to find a present for other people’s children.
Games intended for teens: Feature platforming puzzles, cute characters, fast gameplay and cartoony graphics. Primarily played by adults. Frequently kept on gamers shelves for years, even decades, from a fondness for the tight gameplay experience.
Games Rated M for Mature: Games intended for mature players, commonly containing nudity, profanity, extreme violence or gore, murder, death, slaughter, wanton chaos and cruelty to small furry animals. Primarily played by teens. The video game equivalent of the horror film; talked about at school in hushed tones, the ‘cool’ kids have all either played it or have seen it played. Kids watch scenes of gameplay on Youtube to be “in the know”. Frequently dumped two weeks after release in favor of the new, hot, controversial game on the market, and never heard of again.
Massively Multiplayer Role Playing Game: Any game where the core gameplay comes from a persistent world filled with a large community of live players. As each game design company works harder to make a more pleasing and enticing world to draw in new players, more people decide to abandon the real world to lose themselves in a happier place where things make more sense. Eventually the design wars will result in the creation of an online utopia, the real world will be abandoned, and people will have wires stuck up their butts and be turned into batteries.
Original author of every word… ME! (BBB)
Why? Because I thought it would be funny. Feel free to add your own, I could go on for hours… I didn’t even touch console wars, console versus PC, PC versus Mac… man, these things write themselves.