I was over at my friend Mark’s house yesterday, ostensibly to spend some time visiting his family.
The truth is, Mark is a diehard BYU fan, and BYU was playing their dread rivals, Utah, and Mark wanted someone there to share commentary with.
Now, Mark and his family are Mormons, and this means that I am under strict instruction from Cassie on the type of language I am allowed to use.
As in, she beats the unholy crap out of me (pun intended) in advance so that the bruises will help serve to remind me that I am not to swear while visiting the Murphy household.
There we are, all set to watch the BYU vs Utah game, and along come two more families, friends of Mark and football fans themselves, to watch with us.
Me. Surrounded by THREE families of Mormon football fanatics.
And the group is split 50/50 between BYU fans and Utes fans.
I learned a few things from watching this game with my friends.
First, I learned that “butt” is a naughty word. At one point, a BYU receiver fumbled the ball within milliseconds of landing on his posterior, and as Mark (who controlled the DVR remote) fast-forwarded, rewound, slo-moed and accelerated the shot to try and get the perfect angle, they discussed the player landing on his butt before releasing the ball, landing on his butt after releasing the ball, butt, butt, butt.
And then one family member chided another, saying “We don’t say butt, it’s a naughty word.”
Ummm…. that’s part of the name of my website. My website is a naughty word?
“It’s okay, we don’t hold it against you.”
Second, I learned that diehard football fans only have a game on for an excuse to talk to each other about past games.
Frequently, I would catch something going on during the actual game we were supposedly watching, that no one else caught, because they were too wrapped up in talking about past rivalries. Or coaching mistakes. Or putting signs in each other’s yards proclaiming their love for the enemy team, and other shenanigans. Or the signifcance of BYU wearing the Royal Blue color on their jerseys as an homage to their winning ’84 season, when they’be wearing Navy all this season as a current color.
Third, I found out that there are lots of euphemisms for naughty words.
That ties directly into point the second.
See, here’s the deal. Mark has long shared his pride with me in the BYU football team’s clean, wholesome upbringing and how important moral values are to the players.
That’s excellent. During the game, I noticed one of the players had “God is #1” tatooed on his biceps. I thought that was a nice touch.
That’s all cool, but it leaves you open for a little gentle ribbing if, at some point, someone on the team does a no-no that nobody else on any other team would ever be chastised for.
Case in point.
This was, as I said, a team rivalry. BYU versus the Utes. And it was a great game, it eventually went 20/20 at the end into overtime, and BYU won with a TD in second overtime, all very exciting.
But the game was certainly marked with an amazing amount of personal fouls. Flag on this play, flag on that play, late hits, early hits, face masks, pushing, knee to the groin, it was fabulous.
At one point, I think in the first quarter, there was a solid personal foul that allowed the Utes to get in a third field goal over BYU.
The camera cut over to get a reaction shot of treasured BYU quarterback Max Hall, who is a stellar quarterback for the team this year.
It was a perfect framed shot. The camera cut to a full frontal of Max Hall, just as Max Hall clearly was reacting to the field goal… reading his lips, Max clearly said “Fuck Me”, and then the camera cut away.
I burst out laughing.
Nobody else in the room had caught it, because they weren’t paying attention to the game, they were having fun chatting about past games.
So they asked what was so funny.
I told them that BYU’s star QB just got busted saying a naughty word on national TV.
Mark rewound the film… well, here. I’ll show you.
“What did he say, mommy?”
“He said fahrfignewton, dear. That’s a no-no.”
“Well, at least he didn’t say vaccuum.”
Wait, what? Vaccuum?
“Oh, look, in the next clip he’s getting chewed out by a line coach, looks like that’s going to leave a mark.”
“I bet going over the game clips for this one is going to be fun.”
Oh, and can I just say how funny I thought it was that, sure enough, I checked YouTube and somebody DID feel it was necessary to put a clip of Max Hall up? That’s priceless.
Good times, good times. I love my friends.