I was over at my friend Mark’s house yesterday, ostensibly to spend some time visiting his family.

Hah!

The truth is, Mark is a diehard BYU fan, and BYU was playing their dread rivals, Utah, and Mark wanted someone there to share commentary with.

Now, Mark and his family are Mormons, and this means that I am under strict instruction from Cassie on the type of language I am allowed to use.

As in, she beats the unholy crap out of me (pun intended) in advance so that the bruises will help serve to remind me that I am not to swear while visiting the Murphy household.

There we are, all set to watch the BYU vs Utah game, and along come two more families, friends of Mark and football fans themselves, to watch with us.

Me. Surrounded by THREE families of Mormon football fanatics.

And the group is split 50/50 between BYU fans and Utes fans.

I learned a few things from watching this game with my friends.

First, I learned that “butt” is a naughty word. At one point, a BYU receiver fumbled the ball within milliseconds of landing on his posterior, and as Mark (who controlled the DVR remote) fast-forwarded, rewound, slo-moed and accelerated the shot to try and get the perfect angle, they discussed the player landing on his butt before releasing the ball, landing on his butt after releasing the ball, butt, butt, butt.

And then one family member chided another, saying “We don’t say butt, it’s a naughty word.”

Ummm…. that’s part of the name of my website. My website is a naughty word?

“It’s okay, we don’t hold it against you.”

lol!

Second, I learned that diehard football fans only have a game on for an excuse to talk to each other about past games.

Frequently, I would catch something going on during the actual game we were supposedly watching, that no one else caught, because they were too wrapped up in talking about past rivalries. Or coaching mistakes. Or putting signs in each other’s yards proclaiming their love for the enemy team, and other shenanigans. Or the signifcance of BYU wearing the Royal Blue color on their jerseys as an homage to their winning ’84 season, when they’be wearing Navy all this season as a current color.

Third, I found out that there are lots of euphemisms for naughty words.

That ties directly into point the second.

See, here’s the deal. Mark has long shared his pride with me in the BYU football team’s clean, wholesome upbringing and how important moral values are to the players.

That’s excellent. During the game, I noticed one of the players had “God is #1″ tatooed on his biceps. I thought that was a nice touch.

That’s all cool, but it leaves you open for a little gentle ribbing if, at some point, someone on the team does a no-no that nobody else on any other team would ever be chastised for.

Case in point.

This was, as I said, a team rivalry. BYU versus the Utes. And it was a great game, it eventually went 20/20 at the end into overtime, and BYU won with a TD in second overtime, all very exciting.

But the game was certainly marked with an amazing amount of personal fouls. Flag on this play, flag on that play, late hits, early hits, face masks, pushing, knee to the groin, it was fabulous.

At one point, I think in the first quarter, there was a solid personal foul that allowed the Utes to get in a third field goal over BYU.

The camera cut over to get a reaction shot of treasured BYU quarterback Max Hall, who is a stellar quarterback for the team this year.

It was a perfect framed shot. The camera cut to a full frontal of Max Hall, just as Max Hall clearly was reacting to the field goal… reading his lips, Max clearly said “Fuck Me”, and then the camera cut away.

I burst out laughing.

Nobody else in the room had caught it, because they weren’t paying attention to the game, they were having fun chatting about past games.

So they asked what was so funny.

I told them that BYU’s star QB just got busted saying a naughty word on national TV.

Mark rewound the film… well, here. I’ll show you.

“What did he say, mommy?”

“He said fahrfignewton, dear. That’s a no-no.”

“Well, at least he didn’t say vaccuum.”

“That’s true.”

Wait, what? Vaccuum?

“Oh, look, in the next clip he’s getting chewed out by a line coach, looks like that’s going to leave a mark.”

“I bet going over the game clips for this one is going to be fun.”

Oh, and can I just say how funny I thought it was that, sure enough, I checked YouTube and somebody DID feel it was necessary to put a clip of Max Hall up? That’s priceless.

Good times, good times. I love my friends.

18 Responses to “He said a naughty word”
  1. Mannyac says:

    That’s just nuckinfutz

  2. Pike says:

    Man, it’s a good thing these people don’t know me. I curse like a mormon sailor. Butt, freakin’aye, ohmyheck, frakkingcrap, goshdangit, and holycrud are all a part of my repertoire.

    (dead serious) :P

  3. Roovis says:

    Why bother with word substitution anyway? Isn’t it the meaning of the heart what counts? Or do we really think its about syllables we’re making? Cut to the chase.

  4. Morphster of Aggramar says:

    I’m of the same faith as your friends and I got a kick out of your story. I chose not to attend BYU because in my opinion there’s too many freakin’ mormons there! lol For what it’s worth, I know that you don’t have to be LDS to attend the school or play football, they just expect you to live up to the guidelines set by the school. We all certainly have areas in our lives where we struggle to improve, whether it be in vocabulary or behavior or “family time” spent playing WoW *shifty eyes* Thankfully we have the opportunity to continually reevaluate and start anew.

  5. Tesh says:

    I’m LDS m’self, and indeed, people are funny in *any* religion. I served a mission in Alabama, and for all the religion there, you’d think more people would remember not to take the name of the Lord in vain. Y’know, one of the ten commandments? You’d never know it, listening to most conversations there (or most other places in America, to be fair… it’s just funny in such an ostensibly religious area).

    People. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t toss ‘em out a window. May as well laugh and keep your spirits up. :)
    .-= Tesh´s last blog ..Allod of Pictures =-.

  6. Elegantdeath says:

    Excellent article. I got a kick out of the replies as well. I’ve been in the exact same situation where I have LDS friends that invite me over for games, etc. Anyone will tell you that I get very ‘excited’ watching football and unleash every word in the book… that is except when I’m with my LDS friends and their families (it takes a great deal of restraint to watch a game without a single explicative). The coolest part is that I went to mortuary school about 15 years ago with someone who played LB at BYU. One of the nicest guys you’d ever meet… I remember after watching a game with him and his family I was headed out the door when he leans over and quietly says, “nice restraint, that was a pretty fucked-up game”.

  7. Jack says:

    Grandma & Grandpa went to BYU, Mom & Dad went to BYU, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, 2 sisters (1 married my roommate from BYU), several cousins. Mom guilted me into trying it out and I did. I really tried to like the school. Fortunately, I married a girl who was going to school out here in Wisconsin and she got me the heck outta’ Provo.

    Go Badgers!

  8. Redauroa says:

    I really expected your friends to be the one to say the bad word. Good for them not too. The story was great by the way I would have laughted also.

  9. Kattrinsaa says:

    Great story BBB having a growing family of impressionable youth myself, I have to watch what I say all the time. and I don’t play with vent on speakers anymore.. headphones FTW..

  10. Jon says:

    While is certainly does look like F-me. It’s really hard to say that for sure. He could be saying something different and perhaps using a euphemism?

  11. Kaethir says:

    I lol’d.
    .-= Kaethir´s last blog ..Bearly Useful AddOns =-.

  12. Jayle says:

    GO UTES!

  13. Molo says:

    You think that was fun, you should have heard the stuff he said to reporter Pat Kinahan after the game, ” I hate Utah, hate thier fans, they didn’t deserve to win”, that was the short version. Quite the mouth on that one.

  14. Miridafeo says:

    Gotta love the emotions from football. Go Notre Dame lol

  15. Vaadren says:

    That’s pretty much like a woman I know, who is a local tv celebrity and has young children, and says “Shut the front door” instead of the obvious “Shut the fuck up.”
    .-= Vaadren´s last blog ..Rebirth =-.

  16. Nice to see my LDS friends keeping their end up hehe, except I live a long way away from Salt Lake and when we say football it’s a game actually played with your feet!
    .-= ZombiePirateXXX´s last blog ..How Do You Eat Yours? – Very Quickly… OMNOMNOMNOM =-.

  17. Suzanne says:

    Confession:

    I had heard that Mormons and other non-cursing folks sometimes say “Oh My Heck,” so when I was trying to decipher “OMW” when I first saw it in WoW, I somehow assumed it was also a substitution for OMG: “Oh My Word.”

    :$
    .-= Suzanne´s last blog ..Going to War =-.

  18. Mark says:

    Well it just so happens that I am the friend referenced in the above blog. I don’t think that I have ever seen so much glee on a fully-grown mans face as I saw that evening on the BBB. John is a people watcher extraordinaire and getting to be an impartial witness to the automatic hilarity of rival fans watching the big game together just about killed him. I bet that he is still smiling. I will have to remember to invite him up again next year.

    BYORB
    “Bring Your Own Root Beer”

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