I just figured you were saying you gave up on me because my WoW posts were crap!

Your points on the way it badly needs editing is also well taken. Some of this came from IM chat live, then copy/pasted into Word, a lot of tense issues came from that, and of course there’s the fct that i was only e4ver writing it for two other people to see… so I didn’t sweat the typos too much.

Eventually, once everything is ties up into a balanced end of the first “book”, I’ll restructure the pacing of the two characters into a more balanced flow that matches a shared timeline a bit better. And hopefully edit it then too.

Amusingly enough, I just started reading the Jim Butcher Calderon series for the very first time a few weeks ago. Very fun, great setting.

Regarding complexity and pacing, as Hana said, it depends. This feels like it’s quite early in the total story, but interesting things have happened and even more interesting things are hinted at. Keep the idea of a ‘story arc’ in mind, but I don’t have any specific objections so far. The individual chapters are paced well – for something that’s likely to be read serially, the reminder of the context at the start is important. That may change if you change the delivery format. You asked specifically about the supply warehouse scene – that felt like it was leading up to something important (the weapon master? his friendship? the sword? his opinion of the kid?) but whatever it was hasn’t happened yet.

Characters: I like Jessie, of course. Fairly common revenge motif, but the mingled souls issue gives you something different to do. I don’t think I know Terin, yet. I liked him quite a bit in the School, but he’s been pretty non-committal on the road. I don’t *dislike* him. Bane interests me, as does the squire. I think I’m going to like the Hammer.

Physical Action: Nice. You don’t lose track of where your character’s body is or have them randomly leave important bits behind. Combat so far is good – the 3-on-1 was clear and both the movement and the strategic intent were present. The mind-battle, which is much harder, worked almost as well. I don’t think the Maxtrix-style combat was well visualized, but the overall effect was satisfying. One piece of action that’s a bit weaker is during dialog – you tend to focus pretty intently on the main character, to the point that I don’t much see the people he’s talking to, after the initial description. They don’t (as least, my impression — I’m not looking at the text right now) get a lot of descriptors during the interaction. One exception to that was the Orc convo Jessie overheard from behind the stump. Those guys were quite active!

Bottom line: totally worth your effort. Badly wants to be edited, and you might consider handling the character shifts differently – bigger blocks? It’s so early now, it’s hard to say about that part. Reminds me just a little bit of Jim Butcher’s Calderon series – the flavor of the world and the politics, perhaps.

Its been awhile since I’ve read them though so I’m not sure if I can comment very deeply. I agree with DawnOfLight – the characters so far have been very likable and I really like Jesse’s story and co-characters. I though the pacing was good and the story overall was excellent – the wait between the installments
drove me a little crazy though cuz I would be dying to find out what happened next :D.