Last night, my Paladin was tromping through the vast, treacherous desert, seeking to aid Harrison Jones in his archeaological excursions.
I like the Harrison Jones quest chains. They’re fun, and for some reason the many cut scenes don’t annoy me, instead they feel neat. Probably because they are used quite sparingly in the overall game, so they’re more of a treat than a snore.
My Paladin was shocked, shocked I say, to discover that there are sand pygmies running amock in Uldum. Little mumbling idjits.
No worries, they’re scruff. Dandruff on the shoulders of life to one who has wielded the power of Quel’Delar.
Harrison, knowing who to go to to get the job done, wanted me to blow an opening in a really big door, and when it comes to blowing stuff up, I’m a firm believer that there are few problems so large that they can’t be solved with the judicious use of high explosive. So let’s pack them crates all around the door.
Now, I know what I’m doing, and setting up the crates around that door is only the first step. The next is to set up a barrier to shape and direct the force of the blast directly at the door where it can have the most effect, instead of having most of it radiate harmlessly into the area around us.
Sigh. Few things are sadder than to place the words “radiate harmlessly” and “high explosive” together in the same sentence.
We ain’t kidding around here. We’re in the market for an earth shattering kaboom, and the selection on hand is quite good.
Before I could take even one step towards building the barrier, though, a sand pygmy shot me in the butt from behind, and wouldn’t you know it, but a carelessly arranged brazier fell over and touched everything off!
Now, I’m a Paladin. Of COURSE I was going to bubble. That’s what I do. It’s writ in words of fire a mile high in the Paladin handbook; “When thy ass be burning hot, just freakin’ bubble and worry not.”
Sadly, blizzard ex machinama decided that I don’t know how to bubble. They created a cutscene, one character fits all, and since all those other characters (except Bears)are pansies and would run and hide, they made my Paladin go leap into a box. A box that got blown up and flew through the air, to almost land on a sand pygmy. I noticed that I didn’t even get to kill the sand pygmy. Harrison’s box did that. Blech.
Oh, and of course, my Bear wouldn’t have jumped and hid in a box. Thick Hide, baby, high armor value and Damage Mitigation. Bears just tank it with their face, knowutimean?
Sorry, this is a Paladin’s tail. Er, tale.
What, did I forget how to bubble? Screw the box, I’m a damn Paladin. I don’t run and hide in a freaking box, I bubble and wade through the fiery aftermath unscathed… that’s what Paladins do.
Ah well. In my mind, I didn’t hide in a box. All I’m sayin’.
But the next bit, this is the bit that just makes me go “wtf”.
I’m looking for some old bits of stone, old relics and talismans and such. I’m finding some in the desert sands, but I’m also running into a lot of these damn sand pygmies doing it. Not sure what they’re looking for, what, do they eat sand? One things for sure, they can all go pound sand, so I guess it’s possible.
So, I want tob e in the same area as the sand pygmies. This results in me killing quite a lot of sand pygmies, the state of Paladin/Sand Pygmy relations being what it is in Uldum these days.
I’m killing their stupid little Hyenas, too.
I’m fighting the Pygmies, and if I get triple-teamed with two Pygmies and a Hyena, my ass is going down fast. How the heck does that work?
I actually get jumped while slightly distracted, don’t use my self-heals fast enough, and in total shock my heavily armed and armored ICC raiding butt dies. Dies!
Dead? DEAD!?! How the hell did I just die? I am a Paladin! I am a flaming sword and bubble hearthing machine of blood and steel, how the heck did I just die?
And not just die, I’ve died before, there was this one time a massive undead abomination with multiple arms, a huge scythe and a bone chilling aura killed my ass dead, sure. You can kinda respect dying to something that was created by the Lich King to do nothing but look badass and kill stuff, right? No shame in that.
No, I just died to a naked Sand Pygmie and a scrawny half-starved dog that not only sounds like but LOOKS like Whoopi Goldberg!
*That’s just out of order. If I were the Paladin I was one expansion ago, I’d take a FLAMETHROWER to this place! Killed by a sand pygmy? Really? Who the hell do you think you’re mumbling at?
I’ve been around, you know? There was a time I could self-heal from Judgment of Light. And I have self-healed. Through fights like this, more mobs than this, the flames reaching high, the gibs blotting out the sky.
But this is nothing like the glory days of Paladin power. There is no bringing back the feeling of… competence.
You think your new expansion is sending us out to explore new zones and gear for instances, but I say you are gutting our former feelings of strength and glory! And for why? Because there is a new level cap.
You reset our level caps, and you make us feel like taking Arthas down all happened in some half forgotten dream of yesterday, some other heroes that, like, could probably be expected to actually kill a sand pygmy and a flea bitten mutt.
And to all you Sand Pygmies, Hyenas, Elementals and gormless underwater fish that kill us as though we hadn’t just pacified an entire continent and placed the heel of the conqueror on the neck of Northrend…
TO HELL WITH YOU TOO!
* For those of you that wonder why this post took one hell of a wierd turn, or worse, who wonder if I was actually seriously upset when I wrote it… all I can do is recommend you watch Scent of a Woman starring Al Pacino and Chris O’Donnell, and then get back to me. One of the greatest films of all time.