Last night, my Paladin was tromping through the vast, treacherous desert, seeking to aid Harrison Jones in his archeaological excursions.

I like the Harrison Jones quest chains. They’re fun, and for some reason the many cut scenes don’t annoy me, instead they feel neat. Probably because they are used quite sparingly in the overall game, so they’re more of a treat than a snore.

My Paladin was shocked, shocked I say, to discover that there are sand pygmies running amock in Uldum. Little mumbling idjits.

No worries, they’re scruff. Dandruff on the shoulders of life to one who has wielded the power of Quel’Delar.

Harrison, knowing who to go to to get the job done, wanted me to blow an opening in a really big door, and when it comes to blowing stuff up, I’m a  firm believer that there are few problems so large that they can’t be solved with the judicious use of high explosive. So let’s pack them crates all around the door.

Now, I know what I’m doing, and setting up the crates around that door is only the first step. The next is to set up a barrier to shape and direct the force of the blast directly at the door where it can have the most effect, instead of having most of it radiate harmlessly into the area around us.

Sigh. Few things are sadder than to place the words “radiate harmlessly” and “high explosive” together in the same sentence.

We ain’t kidding around here. We’re in the market for an earth shattering kaboom, and the selection on hand is quite good.

Before I could take even one step towards building the barrier, though, a sand pygmy shot me in the butt from behind, and wouldn’t you know it, but a carelessly arranged brazier fell over and touched everything off!

Now, I’m a Paladin. Of COURSE I was going to bubble. That’s what I do. It’s writ in words of fire a mile high in the Paladin handbook; “When thy ass be burning hot, just freakin’ bubble and worry not.”

Sadly, blizzard ex machinama decided that I don’t know how to bubble. They created a cutscene, one character fits all, and since all those other characters (except Bears)are pansies and would run and hide, they made my Paladin go leap into a box. A box that got blown up and flew through the air, to almost land on a sand pygmy. I noticed that I didn’t even get to kill the sand pygmy. Harrison’s box did that. Blech.

Oh, and of course, my Bear wouldn’t have jumped and hid in a box. Thick Hide, baby, high armor value and Damage Mitigation. Bears just tank it with their face, knowutimean?

Sorry, this is a Paladin’s tail. Er, tale.

What, did I forget how to bubble? Screw the box, I’m a damn Paladin. I don’t run and hide in a freaking box, I bubble and wade through the fiery aftermath unscathed… that’s what Paladins do.

Ah well. In my mind, I didn’t hide in a box. All I’m sayin’.

But the next bit, this is the bit that just makes me go “wtf”.

I’m looking for some old bits of stone, old relics and talismans and such. I’m finding some in the desert sands, but I’m also running into a lot of these damn sand pygmies doing it. Not sure what they’re looking for, what, do they eat sand? One things for sure, they can all go pound sand, so I guess it’s possible.

So, I want tob e in the same area as the sand pygmies. This results in me killing quite a lot of sand pygmies, the state of Paladin/Sand Pygmy relations being what it is in Uldum these days.

I’m killing their stupid little Hyenas, too.

I’m fighting the Pygmies, and if I get triple-teamed with two Pygmies and a Hyena, my ass is going down fast. How the heck does that work?

I actually get jumped while slightly distracted, don’t use my self-heals fast enough, and in total shock my heavily armed and armored ICC raiding butt dies. Dies!

Dead? DEAD!?! How the hell did I just die? I am a Paladin! I am a flaming sword and bubble hearthing machine of blood and steel, how the heck did I just die?

And not just die, I’ve died before, there was this one time a massive undead abomination with multiple arms, a huge scythe and a bone chilling aura killed my ass dead, sure. You can kinda respect dying to something that was created by the Lich King to do nothing but look badass and kill stuff, right? No shame in that.

No, I just died to a naked Sand Pygmie and a scrawny half-starved dog that not only sounds like but LOOKS like Whoopi Goldberg!

*That’s just out of order. If I were the Paladin I was one expansion ago, I’d take a FLAMETHROWER to this place! Killed by a sand pygmy? Really? Who the hell do you think you’re mumbling at?

I’ve been around, you know? There was a time I could self-heal from Judgment of Light. And I have self-healed. Through fights like this, more mobs than this, the flames reaching high, the gibs blotting out the sky. 

But this is nothing like the glory days of Paladin power. There is no bringing back the feeling of… competence. 

You think your new expansion is sending us out to explore new zones and gear for instances, but I say you are gutting our former feelings of strength and glory! And for why? Because there is a new level cap. 

Level caps. 

You reset our level caps, and you make us feel like taking Arthas down all happened in some half forgotten dream of yesterday, some other heroes that, like, could probably be expected to actually kill a sand pygmy and a flea bitten mutt.

And to all you Sand Pygmies, Hyenas, Elementals and gormless underwater fish that kill us as though we hadn’t just pacified an entire continent and placed the heel of the conqueror on the neck of Northrend…

TO HELL WITH YOU TOO!

.

..

* For those of you that wonder why this post took one hell of a wierd turn, or worse, who wonder if I was actually seriously upset when I wrote it… all I can do is recommend you watch Scent of a Woman starring Al Pacino and Chris O’Donnell, and then get back to me. One of the greatest films of all time.

16 Responses to “I coulda sworn I was a badass a few months ago”
  1. Dortrine says:

    My bear was made to hide in a box, too. AND he was killed by the same embaressing team of naked pygmys and their pet mutt.

    Somehow since then poor old Dor’s been too embaressed to do much group play.

    And I’ll watch the movie sometime… But the post was enough fun without it.

    <3

    Dortrine.

  2. Rauxis says:

    *laughing* you did it again – now my team mates are staring at me over cube walls to see what I find so funny :)

    once upon a time I had planned to level a new main Druid for Cata – to avoid the feeling of “not so powerful anymore, neh”

    Once upon a time, when there were walking trees dancing in the street spreading Lifeblooms
    Once upon a time, when telling a feral kitty to stay put was next to impossible

    ….once upon a time…….

    Rauxis, chosen of CAT

  3. Celendus says:

    WoWhammer 40k: Paladin planet invasion strike force drops in from orbit, in plate armor. Just holds their breath and bubbles at the last second. Hoo-rah.

    Also, dualspec prot. I was bored with less than 3 mobs at a time. Not quite the Wotlk leveling madness of entire camps at once, but nothing had a chance against me.

  4. Elynea says:

    I iz boomkin.

    I callz fire from the moon and sun.

    I runz and hidez in box.

    This is what you might call a level playing field. /jokingsarcasm

  5. Navyr says:

    I was just doing those quests on my Rogue, and as you know, this expansion has me feeling very weak on all my toons, they all take so much damage from one mob it’s insane! but my rogue has been doing pretty good, until those hyena’s and pygmys, they are brutal!

  6. Kaldor says:

    Hoohah
    Agreed one of the best films ever

  7. Kel says:

    Loved loved loved this!!! You really have a knack for putting in words the feelings we probably have all had… this had me rolling.

    Thank you! : )

  8. Bhrian says:

    “When thy ass be burning hot, just freakin’ bubble and worry not.”

    That’s my new T-Shirt right there. Credited of course.

  9. Kemonojin says:

    They did hugely change it… before the 4.0 patch, I was running ZG every time it was possible trying to get the tiger with just my ret paladin in tank gear and one DPS. I could self-heal as much as I needed to.

    The raid lock went off the day of the 4.0 patch. We got killed by the three tiger clowns so fast it felt like a level 7 undead wandering into the old Plaguelands and meeting the Welcome Spider. They’re 20 levels below me, and three days ago I had no problem with them. Bubbled to try and live long enough to cast a heal and they killed my bear in cat form druid before he could switch to bear form, then came back and killed me…

  10. Tsudrats says:

    Looks like we all forgot the warning from those all wise ones in starwars to beware the sandpeople!

  11. BlackDragon says:

    Yeah, these days in Cata I sometime seriously wonder what the heck happened to Paladins…

    Ever since I hit 85 on my Ret Pally, I’ve been doing dailies for Hellscream’s Reach (spectral wolf mount and drake of yadda-yadda wind FTW). It still amazes me how fast my health is dropping every time I get engaged with more than 2 mobs – and there are quite a number of occassion where even 2 mobs is enough to snuff me. And this is in mostly Cata blues! >.<

    But when I stop and really think about it, I guess it's Blizz's way to make this expansion 'long-ish'… or, you know, not stale so soon after release. With mobs at this scale, even when we're sporting Cata epics they'll still not go down like end-game WotLK mobs does (3-hits to 4-hits K.Os with my toons, at T9-equiv).

    • Kemonojin says:

      No, they buggered ret DPS incredibly, along with the survivability. In LK, my ret paladin could take five of the guys you had to kill for the Argent Tournament daily where you kill ten of the converted heroes all at once, and then I got better gear. Using lich king level and better green gear in Cataclysm, on mobs a level below me, if I didn’t start running as soon as a second one joined the fight, I was dead.

      Following a friend’s suggestion, I am actually doing MORE DPS as protection. Around 2k on ret (when before it’d been 4-5 by myself), and 3.2k in protection.

  12. Faeldray says:

    I was leveling my prot pally with my boyfriend’s frost DK and was sad at how slowly I killed things compared to him. So I decided to try speccing my pally ret, keeping in mind he had always been prot/holy. I researched specs, rotations, gear, glyphs, you name it before switching him over. Right after that, I decided to take him mining the Deepholm. As I landed to mine a node, he aggros two earth elementals the same level as him.

    They kill my pally before I can even kill one of them.

    I ran back to my body and immediately hearthed to spec back into prot. I might not have uber dps but at least I don’t die. And you can’t dps when you’re dead.

  13. caliokiegirl says:

    Thank you everyone, I thought I was alone in my struggles to understand the new abilities and rotations. I finally downloaded the addon Recount, so I could understand why my kitty was now struggling with mobs that were no problem before the ominous 4.0 patch wreaked havoc. I was amazed to discover that my bear butt was generating almost twice the dps that my kitty was. What the heck is going on here? My bear out dpsing my kitty, is Elune in full eclipse? I can live with playing bear more often, but it still boggles my mind. I am amused by all the level 80+’s shaking their heads. I am a level 77, and don’t have any epics, so I have learned to fight smart. I sometimes get frustrated with the new abilities, but once you get accustomed to them, and play wisely they pack a punch. My level 72 disciple priest(Post-Cata launch) killed a level 80 undead. Never thought that was possible.

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