Hi, I’m the Bear Chef, and welcome to another episode of random food fun.
I have been working on this one for quite some time, and I think it is finally ready to unveil.
Behold, the power.
The unstable danger of….
Wow Wow Sauce!
Long recognized as the prized sauce of discerning Archchancellors, the method of its creation has long been a closely held secret. Granted, that’s mostly due to Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms regulations that would classify it as all three and tax the living beejeebus out of it.
But no longer! Thanks to the efforts of yours truly, a hirsute ursine with a recent flair for the diabolical, the recipe has come to life and can be duplicated in your very own kitchen! Demon familiar not included, unless you drop some on your cat.
This sauce is a powerful concoction, and provides an explosive touch to a fine meal. You’ve been warned.
Once fully prepared, this sauce should be stored in glass containers, mostly because it tends to eat its way through anything else, as my wife and our floor will attest.
1/2 cup balsamic vinegar
1/2 cup honey
1/4 cup sriracha ‘rooster’ sauce
1/4 cup water
1 tbsp brown sugar
1 tsp or two light dashes of crushed red pepper flakes
Glass container for storage (or a plastic squeeze bottle for dispensing, if you’re up to enchanting a bottle that is liable to melt in your icebox anyway and turn your leftover meatloaf into a ravening demon. Which is a horrible danger, since the demon might eat your bacon.)
The Steps of Divine Creation:
Special note: If you are looking for the pervasive fire of the one true ring, use a full tsp of the crushed red pepper. If you’re more in the mood for a tantalizing tease of heavenly heat, use just a dash or two.
Whisk together all ingredients in a small saucepan over medium heat.
Gently boil uncovered for 20 to 25 minutes. We’re aiming to reduce the volume of the liquid through evaporation, so you want a reasonable boil more than a mild simmer. Just don’t bring it to an aggressive boil, or to a fast boil, because it will foam up and then you’ve got serious trouble… and a heck of a mess on your stove top. Also, the sauce will take on the characteristics of its creation, and the last thing you want is a fast, aggressive wow-wow sauce on the loose.
Bonus points for any GM that creates stats to have a fast, aggressive wow-wow sauce as a random monster in your fantasy campaign.
Think of it this way. You are the mad wizard, or at least the mad wizard’s apprentice. This is alchemy, and you’re distilling the potion. Or, if you’re like me, you’re a fan of distillation in all it’s forms anyway, and that this smacks of alchemy is simply a fortuitous occurrence.
Remember that uncovered boil? After about 20 to 25 minutes start checking the volume, you want to be down by about 1/3rd. As it reduces, the flavors become more intense, and some of the vinegar is muted into a rich, mellow tone against the chili fire.
If you’re not sure how much it’s reduced, don’t sweat it. More or less is fine, we’re wizards and this is high art, not to be mistaken for the art of getting high. Eyeball it, and if you like the deep, black color with red-tinted edges, call it good.
Remove the pan from heat and let your sauce cool for at least 10 minutes before serving.
When your immediate needs are, ahem, satisfied, place the rest in your icebox for use anytime. Remember, we added no unnatural preservat… oh, I can’t even finish that line with a straight face. Store it in the icebox for as long as you like, but remember, fermentation may be a thing. Along with explosions, fires of unknown origin, black oozes and random unexplained detonations in your pants. You’ve been warned.
I recommend storing it for no more than a week myself, since you know… I may be a Warlock Bear, but even I am not impervious to litigation. You store it for five years, drink it and then explode, it ain’t my fault. You’ve got one week. After that, it’s your ass. Be told.
Wow Wow Sauce is a good dipping sauce for meat or poultry, like chicken nuggets, and also as a glaze for pork chops or chicken on the grill. For those kinds of uses, the ‘dash of pepper’ method may be a more universally accepted taste.
Where WoW WoW Sauce truly shines is when you toss all thought of moderation to the winds, and go for broke. Especially if you go for the tsp of crushed red pepper technique.
Here’s what to do. Make some exceptionally crispy chicken strips, preferably quite thin and not those big honking KFC-style things that are simply whole chicken breasts dipped in batter. They’re good, but they detract from this particular experience, the point of which is the maximum conveyance of sauce to your mouth.
Take your fully cooked and hot super-crispy chicken strips (or crispy wings!) and put them in a metal wok-shaped bowl with a generous portion of the warm sauce. Shake and swirl and spin to coat the chicken well, then set the chicken on a rack over a shallow pan to drain the excess sauce off. Give them a minute, then pick up with tongs, shake, and plate them suckas.
Serve your WoW-WoW Sauce wings/strips on a plate with a side of cool, soothing ranch dressing for dipping. I think you’ll agree with me that they’re magical.
Trust me on this, if you whip this up when you’re in the mood for a walk on the wild side of buffalo wings, you’re going to be a devilishly delighted devourer of succulent snacks.
Thank you for your time, and remember to hug the chef! It gets you within range of melee attacks.