Now you know I’m not a racist. Why, some of my best friends are Tauren. But when I saw what Garrosh and his boys did to the Vale, well, that there Orc just had to go.

When I heard that ol’ King Wrynn was throwing together an army to pry horny out of his tin can, I was quick to sign right up.

When my son asks me where I was when Garrosh was brung low, you won’t find me spinning lies. I’m gonna be able to say, “Boy, I was the one that ripped those horns off’n his shoulders and shoved them straight up his ass.”

Yeah. That’s right. Me! King Wrynn recognised me right off when I signed up to go, too. He said to me, “I remember you. You’re the one that brought that nine bean casserole to Anduin’s confirmation, gave me gas so bad I was on the wrong throne for three days, aren’t you?”

I just puffed up with pride like I was fix’n to burst. “That’s me, your highness. Buttflame!”

King Wrynn was damn glad to see me. In fact, he told me he had a special mission for me, one that I was supremely suited for.

He said that. He said “Supremely”. Me, Buttflame! After I looked that up, I tell you I was mighty proud.

King Wrynn told me he was putting together a special team, and he was sure they’d need my expertise. He said that after Garrosh threw that purple pumping dingus into the well and blew up the Vale and all, it exposed an entrance leading underneath the well. He needed some folks to head on in there, under the cracked and broken well, and find out what happened to stop up the pipes making all that there magical water.

I’ll admit, I protested a bit at first. I mean, I’m Buttflame, right? My presence is feared in battle and in taverns that sell pickled eggs all over Azeroth. It seemed to me being some glorified plumber was a bit, well, beneath my dignity. He insisted I was perfect for the job, so I guess when there is a truly legendary clog in the pipes, I’m your man.

It was the very next day after Garrosh dumped his trash down the pipe and backed up his shit all over the Vale. I joined that psychotic Band of Misfits that Wrynn threw together, and down the pipe we went.

Stepping inside, we found we had to watch where we walked. I’ve seen crap in all different sorts of colors, especially when it’s all you can eat curry night at Smiling Jack’s Murloc Shack, but this was a new one on me. Purple? And it wasn’t just floating and bobbing in the water either, it was aggressive shit, man!

We pushed our way, looking for whatever was clogging up the drain, and I felt pretty useless so far. That wasn’t any place to light a match, let alone bring down a rain of fire. What was Varian thinking?

We had barely gotten down the pipe and we found the clog. It was this massive water spirit named Immerseus, and it was pissed, man. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for it, though. I mean, you take one look at it, you could see it’s whole head and face was covered with this clinging purple and black sha crap, and you know that stuff is persistant and clingy. You can try all you like, that shit won’t flush the first time.

We got ourselves all set to break up that clog. We’d have the water running again in no time, clean the Vale right up.

The guys in charge told us to stay away from his front end, he’d be spraying some stuff that would take us down in no time. So the rest of us spread out around his backside, and it occured to me that might be a bad idea just a little too late. The leaders went in the front, and he started spraying puddles of the foulest purple crap right out the back.

It seemed everywhere you stood, a purple puddle formed under mah feet, purple gas floated around, little purple tornados sprung up, and the smell! Blessed Elune, bringer of light, don’t start a fire in here or we’re done for!

We’d barely gotten started and hadn’t even had time to break out the Holy Plunger of Antioch when the whole crud-infested thing submerged under the surface. Were we done?

Not hardly! All them purple puddles on the floor got sucked right down the drain with it, and would you believe he flung all that poo back out at us, smacking it all against the back walls!

So there we are, having to turn around and deal with a flood of aggressive piles of crap, all flowing back downhill to Immerseus and the drain.

Some of those puddles we could kill, but others were some kind of horrible toxin that could only be healed. I’ve had days like that, especially after some really good chili, but it sure kept the healers occupied trying to pump green into them.

It kept on like that for what felt like forever. We’d barely get started pounding on Immerseus, and the next thing I knew we were fighting a rain of crap. The longer we went, the fewer crap piles there were we could pulverize, the more the healers had to take care of. And if even one of those made it to the drain, we all got hit with a short, sharp shower of shit. Not fun, man. Not fun.

Finally, the last puddle was burst, the clog was gone and we had somehow survived to report the all clear. We crawled back up out of the drain, only to find the former protectors of the Vale, standing there covered in crap and looking a bit green around the gills, if you catch my meaning.

Now, we tried to explain that we didn’t mean to send all that sewage back up the pipe, right? Things just kind of got out of hand with Immerseus. But they weren’t having any of it. They were gonna teach us a lesson for the crap covering them and all the rest of the Vale.

At least, I think that was what was going on. All I know is, the three of them got a touch cranky when we came crawling out of the pipe.

The fight seems like a blur to me now. There were three of them, and ten of us. They had friends, flames, more friends and a fearsome amount of area-wide damage.

We had a plan. Smack one down a bit, deal with their trash, then move on to the next. We whittled ‘em all down bit by bit, something like a third at a time, until all three of them were pretty evenly beat up, and then we unloaded on them all, keeping it spread out so that when the first one finally went down, the last one was dead only a few seconds later.

One good thing to say about that fight was, it was over.

With the clog cleared out of the well’s pipes, and the former protectors down for the count, we all figured it was about time someone went to investigate where the hell that purple heart thingie came from in the first place. What if something else were down in there? Maybe, just maybe if the ancients kept their most disgusting purple crap in there, they also stored some industrial strength ammonia or bathroom cleanser.

Or maybe that was just me wishing. Those robes were almost new when I went in there, and do you have any idea what the dry cleaning bill looks like on robes of unholy demonic summoning? Blood stains? Don’t tell me about how hard it is to get out blood stains!

We fought our way through piles of trash, some of it with weird names we avoided. We debated whether or not we had to kill it all before heading down into that mine, but in the end we argued that someone else could worry about it, all we had to do was push through to the mine by the quickest means possible.

We got down in there, and found the chamber where that purple crap was originally stored. You know, before Garrosh dumped it in the well, creating the worst toxic release since that twerking terror unloaded her last album.

Inside the chamber, we found this ancient Titan construct dude named Norushen. He said something about how we all had to be purged of some crap or something like that, but man, I’ll be honest. I wasn’t really paying attention. Anyway, who was I to argue? If he thought we all stunk up the place and needed some serious steam cleaning before moving on, hell, I’m right there withya, boyo!

So we all lined up to get good and clean, and that’s when things kinda went pear shaped.

See, as soon as we gave the go ahead, this big purple nasty thing formed in the middle of the room. It started spewing out a beam of nastiness, and I’ve seen something like before from this eyeball dude named Durumu. So we had to run to not be hit by the beam as it slowly swept around the room. And we all had a ton of this corruption crap all over us, like we were almot three quarters covered in crap. So how do we get this off of us? It was clogging everything we did up, healing done, damage done, everything was reduced cause of how gooped up we were.

Well, turns out that two golden orbs would show up, and if one of us touched them, away that person would go down a pipe, to fight or heal some living corruption, and if we got it all purged we’d be cleansed and could go back up!

Of course, there had to be a catch. Every time the person going down the golden orbhole was a damage dealer, when he came back he brought a big honking mass of nasty with ‘em that had to be brought low quick and left a puddle of ick behind that we had to mop up somehow.

Seriously. Dude, next time you want a plumber, call Roto Rooter, I mean wtf. I don’t care if you’ve got a crown on your noggin or not, I didn’t sign on to wipe your royal behind for you.

Before too long, we had all cycled through the gold orb-o-matic, and with the corruption purged off of us we were able to get some serious hurting in on the big nasty in the middle. A final, frantic heroic surge and we had it beat!

Norushen was proud of us. Or something like that. Maybe he was just glad we didn’t smell like burnt chicken feathers anymore. And it was only the one chicken, it’s not like I make a habit of it or anything.

Norushen said we were ready, and opened the door to the next chamber. This was it, the big one, the reason we came down in here! This was what we needed to do to be able to destroy Garrosh and avenge all that had happened to the Vale.

Except… um, what the hell dude? It was another of them Sha things! The Sha of Pride?

Look, I don’t like Sha any more than the next guy, but how many of these things are there, anyway? And pride. Where’ the harm in that? When I let a good one rip, after everybody is done waving their hands through the fog I get nothing but compliments. Of course I’m proud of it, wouldn’t you be?

It’s not like massive clouds of funk could actually HURT anyone, right? Or come alive, or clog up drains, or poison wells…

Oh. Okay, I get it now.

This was it. I was promised, this one more thing in the Vale, doing our part to cleanse the pipes, blow through the clogs and free up the corruption so it could all be washed away in a Tide of ammonia and good feelings. The Sha of Pride must fall so we could take ship and lay Siege to the stronghold of Garrosh Hellscream, mean guy and fashion disaster.

No, really. Have you seen that place he calls a home? Steel plates, rivets, spikes and walls? Honey, that is so Wrath of the Lich King. Be original. No Fung Shooey to it at all.

We took on the Sha of Pride, and again with the puddles of purple crap under the feet? Really?

I ain’t no Spenser for Hire, but I’m detecting a theme here.

So, puddles under our feet, time to back away and burn it down, close back up and keep going. People get locked up for our pride, well, there’s always a helping hand or two tog et us back out. Big extra meanness to take us from behind, yeah we’ve been there, done that.

A straight up slog, and as long as we kept close together for a little helping glowy hand from Norushen, moved our butts to break our buddies free from the locks and burned down the add each time, it was a piece of cake.

Nasty purple gooey cake. Nice going, Sha.

That was it. The Sha of Pride was down, and we all stood around, taking pleasure in having won. we were very pr… um happy to have won. Yes, that’s it. we weren’t proud, we were happy in a peaceful, contemplative way as we regarded with total seriousness and no preening whatever that we had overcome four obstacles on our way to facing down Garrosh.

We reported our progress to King Wrynn and were told that we were now ready to join him and the rest of the Alliance army on their flagship, as they were about to make landfall on the docks to the East of Orgrimmar. It was time for the Siege to finally begin!

Oh yeah… and since we did such a great job cleaning up the crap in the Vale, he had just the mission for us!

Something about hammocks. Or was it cannons? I couldn’t tell for sure, it was hard to hear what he was saying over the sound of the explosions from balls hitting the water all around us.

I’m sure it was hammocks, though. He thinks we deserve a nice rest for all we’ve done so far!

3 Responses to “The Weary Warlock Part 1 – Tidy Bowl”
  1. I give you five extra points for the Smilie Myrus reference :D

  2. Tesh says:

    Seems like blood stains on “robes of unholy demonic summoning” would be a Useful Thing.

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