Hailsword the Derpknight

Ever have one of those days where everything seems to be going too well, and you just know something is wrong somewhere but you don’t know what?

Before Mists of Pandaria launched, my son’s favorite character was his Death Knight, Hailsword. His favorite spec to play was Unholy, because permapet. He loves him his pet ghoul.

He just didn’t stay with it.

My son loved the look and feel of the zones in Northrend. That was where he felt at home. He liked the frozen cold and forbidding saronite walls of Icecrown, surrounded by undead and delighting in the opportunity they gave him to Control them and use them as his minions.

He did fall in love with the look of the giant Sha of Pandaria. He liked that there was an achievement for finding them all and killing them, he liked the mystery of who was the unknown Sha and where could it be hiding, he liked all the lore behind it.

He just didn’t like PLAYING it.

Basically, playing in Mists sounded great in theory, and looked cool, but in practise kinda sucked. Too many tough mobs traveling in packs to level quickly unless you were a tank.

So I set him up with a Blood tanking offspec to take on those mobs and not end up half dead every fight. Mostly for when he reached the last two zones.

I can’t remember how far past level 90 Alex continued playing Hailsword. I think he played enough to attain Exalted with the Cloud Serpents and raise his cloud serpent from a baby to an adult, but not much further than that.

Once he realized it would be months, if EVER that he would be able to join a group that could defeat the Sha in the Terrace of Endless Spring for the achievement, he lost his enthusiasm. He was excited until he realised that he had to be in a committed raid team to ‘catch ‘em all’. Not going to happen.

Time passes, though, and while he loves his Portal and Minecraft, he still misses his Death Knight and the golden age of Burning Crusade and Cataclysm.

Most especially he misses the more melee-friendly raids of LFR Dragon Soul, where melee didn’t have to master a doctorate in avoidance and dancing to survive five seconds without wiping a raid.

I decided, you know he really misses his Death Knight, so why not just spend my time playing Hailsword a little, try and get him some better gear? Get him set up so he could go into LFR alongside my Warlock main, and maybe we could get him having fun on it again.

Queue the bear playing a melee Death Knight, a class I know nothing about. I have one at level 85, and he’s very skilled at pet battling. Wears a pith helmet full time. Stylish!

I approached this project with all the skill and wisdom I show for all new projects.

I loaded it up, glanced at the buttons and figured it looked okay, figured yeah a lesser mortal might research it first, but screw it, how bad could it be? Faceroll Death Knight, toss some timeless gear on him and go kill some shit.

Granted some time far in the past I’d set him up as an Unholy Blood crossbreed, but I’m sure it’s all fine. He’s in Unholy spec, button bars are full, go for broke. It’s not rocket science, right?

I crafted a 553 belt and pants, made sure he had a decent weapon (a 510 weapon from some ancient ToT LFR) and we’re good to go.

I took Hailsword to Ordos and the Celestials. Got a season 15 neckpiece. Score! Gear getting better already.

Oh, maybe I should change my loot spec from Blood to Unholy. When did that happen? Wierd.

Then I decided to queue for LFR. Reforged, gemmed and enchanted per Ask Mr Robot so we MUST be good to raid, RIGHT?

RIGHT?!?

The first boss I get in LFR is the Sha fight, boss 4. Okay, big hit box, not too bad.

We won, and I was still alive at the end thanks to Death Strike being on my bar, man that thing does lots of self-healing. How OP is that? I get to do DPS AND heal myself.

Geez, unholy is kind of a pain the butt though, amiright? I’m always having to refresh my diseases and I’m spending FOR-EVER waiting for runes to refresh, standing around twiddling my furry thumbs. What a drag.

I queue again and get the first boss this time, all the trash packs and Immerseus.

WTF is it with tanks not keeping aggro on packs of bubbles on the trash? A few Blood Boils and here comes a black bubble or two to munch on me. Well, at least it’s not on a healer, so I’m providing raid utility. I’m helping!

Get the boss down, not bad, working my butt off I pull 85k DPS, but still, lots of downtime waiting for runes to regenerate, and I hate not having a button to click.

After all that, I just don’t have it in me to go on. 85k, working hard, and all the melee chasing to do in the Fallen Protectors? I don’t have the energy for that shit. Blech.

It occured to me as I left the LFR raid, maybe I should visit Icy Veins, see what they recommend for Glyphs and Talents, make sure I’ve got the right stuff. I haven’t looked at any of that stuff except to make sure I had some, maybe there’s something better.

Hmm, talents selected looked pretty good, might be a good idea to put some of them on my bar so i actually use them.

Glyphs, wow my glyphs were messed up. I had that leveling glyph for refreshing Death Grip, didn’t have Festering Blood, I DID have the no taunt Glyph for Army of the Dead though, so pro all the way.

Then I moved on to the page at Icy Veins that discusses optimizing DPS rotations for Unholy. maybe I could learn something there. When should I be Blood Boiling? Before or after Death Strike?

Hmm, okay, so… Death Strike doesn’t seem to be on here. What is this they have here instead? Festering Strike? What’s that?

Festering Strike. So, that’s supposed to be on my bar, then? Oh, it’s an attack that automatically extends the duration of diseases so I’m not always blowing runes on other shit.

Gee. That might help.

Oh, and I wonder which presence I’m supposed to be in? What presence am I in now, I guess I should have checked that earlier.

Oh, I’m in Blood presence, is that good?

Oh.

Oh, so Blood is for threat gen and health, for a DPS Blood would be bad.

So, I’m guessing that would be bad to have on for the entire duration of LFR boss fights and add phases?

Unholy presence is the one for Unholy spec? I never would have guessed.

At least my transmog is looking good. If I’m going to derp, do it in style!

I guess it could be worse.

I suppose I could have gone into LFR naked, wearing only a cock ring and a smile.

7 Responses to “Adventures of a Derp Knight”
  1. Worked for the Chillis. You could mog the socks :D

  2. Andy F says:

    Ah man, the mental image of a terrifying undead servant of the frozen lord of death, sitting down to do pet battles, ah it makes me giggle :D

    And as soon as you said “WTF is it with tanks not keeping aggro on packs of bubbles on the trash?” I had this sinking feeling, “oh man, he’s in blood presence, isn’t he?”. FWIW I have a WeakAuras thing that makes it really really obvious to me when I’m in the wrong presence (or no presence at all), and it’s embarrassingly useful.

  3. nobody says:

    I suppose I could have gone into LFR naked, wearing only a cock ring and a smile.

    What gear would give you that transmog?

  4. Zwingli says:

    Too funny, man! It’s been quite a while since I took my DK for a spin. I might need to do that.

    Z

  5. ursiheil says:

    I suppose I could have gone into LFR naked, wearing only a cock ring and a smile.

    Uhmmmm… yeah. I got nothing. You win this round.

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