Sweetride

Just the best night ever, wow wait ’til you hear this!

So there I am, right? Brand new Hunter all set to take on the world!

I ran Throne of Thunder, got a cloak, then did the Celestials at the reset today and lucked out, got a nice PvP necklace, and those things are buffed way up, iLevel 550. Just the thing a gear starved newbie Hunter needs to break open the bonds holding me back from the GLORY that is LFR Siege of Orgrimmar.

But I can haz problem. My DPS, she is low. Very low. Like, still only 66k DPS. WTF, amiright?

Wait a minute, there is something I forgot.

Gemming and enchanting and reforging and all that shit!

My Horde Hunter, she has no support system in place. On Alliance side, I have every profession maxed and all the mats stored up for whatever. Horde side I don’t even HAVE a profession yet!

/Cry.

Neutral Auction House to the rescue!

When the thrill of cocaine loses it’s zing, you can always count on the neutral Auction House to stir the juices, as you put big ticket items up for a 1 gold buyout and pray it’s still there as you frantically flip account windows.

Did someone snag that 28 slot bag you had up for 1 gold? DID THEY?!?

This time I played the Neutral AH game and won. All my items made their way Horde side with nary a squabble.

Ta da! Enchants, gems (including the meta!), even a belt buckle and a scope or two. With extras, against that optimistic (or cynical) expectation that as soon as I enchant something, I’ll get an upgrade to drop that very night.

And reforging, yes reforging into proper levels of Hit and Expertise, no noob Huntard here, bars and macros all set up identical to my Alliance Hunter, I’m going to be the best damn brand new boosted 90 they ever did see!

Which ain’t saying much.

So many things to do just to be prepared for LFR without being THAT DAMN HUNTARD.

Reforged to optimal stats? Check!
Gems? Check!
Enchants? Check! Except for the bracer and the legging armor, those damn things are expensive. Save those for upgrades!
Pet in DPS mode and has GROWL TURNED THE FUCK OFF??? Checkaroonie!
Took my Talents? Check!
Used the right Glyphs? Check!
Macros, Focus Targets, Misdirection for Tanks, etc? Yepper!
Food and Flasks? Wow, really going down the ol’ list here, aren’t we? But check and check again!

Right.

Let’s do this thing.

I queued up for Siege of Orgrimmar LFR with a lump in my throat. What would I get? How long would I have to wait? Would I get the first boss, or would I be dropped into a failzone? Would I have time to prep, or would I be plunged into an orgy of add slaughter?

Seconds after queuing I dropped straight into the LFR.

Oh shit, failzone, here we go!

I appeared amidst a sea of purple explosions, yep, raid flailing to the trash surrounding the Sha of Pride. Kaboom! Kaboom! Run, you little bastards, run!

We got the trash killed and cleared, the dead risen, everyone to their places.

Everyone to their places.

Everyone to their places.

HEY! DUMBASSES! If you’re DPS, get the hell away from the tanks and go to the other side of the room!

Yes, Warlock, that means you. Do you heal? Okay, do you heal something other than your pet? No, lock rocks don’t count! Sigh, look, just get yer special snowflake ass over to the other side of the room. See that axe in the floor over there? If you can’t hump the haft, you ain’t in the right spot. Now git!

Oh, and drop some of those cookies.

Cookies.

Warlock rocks.

Drop a soul well, for the love of…

Warlock, and I mean you with the name in purple, you have a spell, you can summon a soul well. Perhaps you’ve heard of it or seen it before.

Tell you what, could you check through your spell book, see if you can find it in there? It’s okay, we can wait.

No, you didn’t have to learn it at a trainer.

You know what, that’s fine. It’s okay. No, really. We’ll run this without one, and when you’re done running in this, the most advanced group activity currently in the game, maybe you could take a few minutes and peruse your spellbook, see if anything looks neat to try for next time?

Whew. After the butt chewing that poor Warlock got, I’m glad I took the time to get all prepped and ready to rock, ain’t that right, Sweetbite? We’ll show them all we ain’t a Huntard, we may not have the best gear but we know all the right moves. We can do the Safety Dance, we can play pac-man if called on, we can do this.

We can achieve our goal; a run through LFR without being mocked as a dumbass.

The tanks pull and away we go!

It’s a Paladin tank on the inside, followed by fast action on the self-reflection, ooh pile up on the prison but wait! What’s this? Everyone swaps to the manifestation and it’s down, OMG it’s down, this raid is going to do it folks, this raid is going to get the Sha down, but oh no, what’s happening, we’re seeing bursts of damage to the raid, what’s going on, let’s take a closer look at the field.

Oh no, looks like some problems in the Bursting Pride area, the raid is having problems dealing with how to move out of stuff exploding at their feet. This could spell trouble.

Oh no! The raid is down, the raid is down, this is horrible, Bursting Pride has laid the raid low. And there go the recriminations, looks like some of the players are feeling a bit special and want everyone else to know it wasn’t their fault. Will the raid recover from this terrible blow to their fragile little egos?

Yes, yes it looks like most of the players are quietly rezzing and getting ready again. Perhaps we will see some healthstones, maybe, maybe, nope!

Nope, nope, nope.

The raid is putting it behind them, dusting off and getting ready for another try. They’ve only got one stack of Determination, this is very early days for weariness to set in. What’s it look like, how did they do on that first attempt? 5%? Oh, they’ve got it for sure this time, let’s see how they do!

Oh my, look at how smooth that performance was, second try is the charm, and the boss is going, going, yes dead without a single player loss, well done everyone and let’s divvy up the loot.

Look there, it’s all worthwhile, a fine trinket drop for our Hunter, congratulations all around, and a fine end with a strong finish. Well done everyone.

Now let’s look at the scoreboard and see how we did, and…

Wait, WTF?

HOW? HOW IN THE NAME OF ALL THE SEVEN HELLS DID I DO LESS DPS THAN LAST NIGHT?

61,000 DPS? HOW THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?

Wait, there has to be a good reason for this. Deep breaths, Bear, deep breaths.

Yeah, I’d like to Deep Breathe on something, damn hunter son of a Horde it’s true Horde sucks where’s a can i want to kick it grumble mutter grrr…

Huh.

Y’know, now that I think about it, I wonder.

Why did I never get any stacks of pet Frenzy? I have the button on my bar, but I never had any stacks at all. Normally I just wait until it’s at 5 stacks then pop it off, unless Rapid Fire or Heroism/Bloodlust is up, then I wait. So I’m used to it not hitting 5 on short pulls, but it should have damn well hit 5 on a 10 minute boss fight.

Is my pet broken? Did boosting my poor pet from 10 or whatever straight to 90 break her? Poor widdle spider, did Blizzard hurt you? ‘Cause if they did, I’m dumping your ass and getting another spider. Be told.

Hu-huh.

Wow.

let’s check the passives in my spellbook, what causes my pet to get stacks of Frenzy?

So… so, my pet’s normal attack causes Frenzy. Like, Bite and shit.

Bite. Why look at that, Bite is right there. At the top of my pet’s button bar where I normally keep Growl.

Turned off. With Growl right under it, also turned off.

I think I vaguely recall frantically clicking Growl off in that first Throne of Thunder, when I saw my pet steal aggro twice, and it kept dying. I bet it was Bite I was turning off mid-fight, not Growl. I must have clicked Growl of second when “it didn’t turn off the first time”.

Why, look at that. My pet went an entire raid boss without ever using the basic attack once. Not once.

And by that logic, I went the entire raid in Throne of Thunder without having any pet DPS either.

Boosted 90s. Clearly, this technology is meant for smarter minds than I, since even with hours of effort I still manage to FUCK THE WHOLE THING UP IN RAID.

GG.

Excuse me while I click this on.

Bite me.

13 Responses to “OMG Best Knight Evar!”
  1. Ice4077 says:

    That was a great read. I look forward to more from you.

  2. R says:

    Heh. This is one of the many reasons I don’t worry much about the influx of boosted 90s… being a noob is only one of many ways that people can be significantly less than optimal. ;)

    (my personal recurring issue is being caught with my hotkey bar in Edit mode which means I can’t use the hotkeys themselves… happens when I’m changing buttons up before a pull and we get into combat before I’m done… this will also occasionally require me to cast directly out of the spellbook which is a bonus level of awkward)

    • bigbearbutt says:

      Ugh, I’ve had that happen a few times, or my persona favorite, being a healer in LFR when people drop group including the tank while in combat, others join, and VuhDo DOES NOT UPDATE with the new people, so guess who ain’t getting any heals until you stop pulling, damnit?

  3. Calbry says:

    As always, loved your humorous rant turned chagrined confession :)

    Well, at least you turned off Growl. That usually generates a lot of hunter-non-love in instances…

    And I can relate. I took my first long break ever since vanilla and jumped into MOP very late. Hit 90 with my mage and had someone stop me in Org for a portal to Pandaria — and realized that in all my travels back and forth, I’d never stopped by the portal trainer this expansion. D’oh…

  4. Zwingli says:

    That was great! I thought you might have had your pet on passive or something, but having “bite” turned off is so much better! Good going, indeed. :)

    Z

  5. nobody says:

    You might want the BadPet addon. Tells you if your current pet has taunt or hi threat abilities active. Also has a macro option for toggling your pet’s abilites ?badPetFix I think?

    • bigbearbutt says:

      I’ve thought about it, but I’m really not usually that kind of Hunter. I’m pretty paranoid about doing stupid stuff, so I always check. Adding an addon just to check Growl wouldn’t do me much. Now, if it automatically changed my pet spec from Tank to DPS when I zoned into a dungeon or raid AND shut off growl for me, then swapped everything back when I left the raid, that would be an addon worth solid gold. Such a pain to spend my time respeccing my pet while other people are already done eating their buff food.

  6. Thank you! Now I feel better about going about 3 or four levels complaining about how crappy my Death Knight was before I realized I didn’t just not have the correct Presence turned on, I didn’t have any Presence turned on, lol.

    • bigbearbutt says:

      Oooh, I’ve done that! Had the wrong presence on my son’s Death Knight for entire LFR raids, hell yes!

  7. Riegnman says:

    Don’t sweat it. Even if you do everything right people are gonna call you a huntard. I recently came back after about 6 months away from WoW and fell in love with my hunter on the timeless isle. I’m running around killing rare spawns the other night and some guy calls me out in general chat. Apparently I am a huntard for running around with my spirit bear in tank mode with growl on while killing stuffs on the isle and not turning growl off when I am fighting a rare spawn along side a random group of other people that just happened to make it over before his health bar hit zero. “Effin huntard running around with his pet in tank mode and growl turned on and I couldn’t hold aggro on cinder. They should get rid of hunters all together.” Really?

  8. Aestalas says:

    Look at it this way, depending on what spec you are, your pet is either a sizable bit of dps (SV, MM) or an OMFG HUGE bit of your dps (BM). That your optimized non-pet configuration dps only dropped 5K from your pre-optimized with-pet configuration dps, means your dps actually took a healthy bit of buffing.

    As for stupid mistakes, we all make them. Not just as Huntards or D(or)Ks, either. I remember trying to heal a raid as a resto druid (only was I in my resto gear, but feral spec, ooops). My numbers SUCKED (like a warrior tank outhealed me, sucked). Folks questioned my crappy heals. I pulled the “lag” excuse, swapped to kitty form while I changed specs (so it wasn’t obvious that I was swapping specs) and proceeded to make up for my dumb-assery in the future bosses. Folks did the “hmmm…maybe he was lagging.” bit of rumbling after the next fight. At the end of the run, one of the tanks tells me that one of his addons told him that I was in the wrong spec, but the other tank pulled before he could tell me. He told me my secret was safe with him. Apparently he doesn’t like spamming the tattle-tale addons in /raid. He prefers to /w it to folks. Keeps folks from starting the “what a dumbass….” rumblings. I wound up running a couple more ToT wings and even some heroics with with him that night too. It was a good knight.

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