Penny Arcade had a little news blurb up a week ago or something, where Mike Krahulik talked about some games he was digging.

One of those games was for the iPhone, called Battleheart Legacy, and it like costs real money so OMG.

BUT.

Mike Krahulik loved the game, and it’s an action RPG, and the screenshots looked cute as heck. Also, I don’t generally see people talking about great iPhone games they’re playing. I’m starved for recommended options.

Okay, game looks good, love the art style.

After seeing it and knowing I like what I saw, I was still left with a burning question. “If I drop $5 on this game, is that it? Am I done? Can I enjoy the whole game now without any nickel and dime bullshit?”

Welcome to the new age of gaming. What I look for in a game is, “If I buy the game, can I play all of the game or not? Will there come a point where it’s getting really good, and then I’ll hit a paywall where if I want to keep playing the game for even more awesome fun, FORK OVER MORE MONEY BITCH.”

This is what I look for now. Not how many classes, or what level you can reach, or how many hours of entertainment. I look for micro-transactions to tell me if the company hopes to suck $30 a month out of me on the average.¹

I did a little research on Battleheart Legacy, and it was hard to find any review that mentioned anything other than content. I never did find a review that explicitly stated whether or not there were in-game purchases after you buy it.

I sucked it up and dropped my $5 and bought the game.

I won that round of micro-transaction misery. NO IN-GAME PURCHASES! Once I bought the game, by God I owned the game and I could play it without worrying about paywalls.

It’s been so long. It feels weird to have a game on my phone that is really fun, without being pestered to buy stuff all the time.

I’ve been playing it, it’s great. I love it.

This isn’t a review about the game, I’m just saying I love this little RPG hack and slasher. It’s so fun to mix and match skills and abilities and gear to be whatever the heck combo of character I want, and if I come up with some insane OP mish-mash hodgepodge it’s okay, because there is no PvP to make losers whine about getting crushed OMG nerf Monk/Ninja PLZ.

I can take my character and mainline Knight/Barbarian with Colossal weapons, and toss in some sweet Ninja and Monk moves with a little Necromancer raising skeletons from the bones of the dead thrown in and ain’t nobody to tell me that’s wrong.

The point is, we’re driving around and the Cub is bored in the back seat, and I hand him my phone with Battleheart Legacy up and running.

Did I mention the game lets you make multiple characters, swap between them easy, copy them for multiple options, and even upload saves to the cloud and play your saves on multiple Apple devices on your account? No? Huh. Well, it does.

So he could make his own character without worry, and I let him go to it.

He’s got over seven hours logged into that thing now. He plays this iPhone game at home a few nights this week instead of playing the computer games. He played three hours last night! Only stopped because he killed my battery stone dead.

His character is nothing like mine. He’s running a dual-wield Ninja with a side of Witch powers, life draining enemies and, yeah, some Necromancer skeleton army stuff. Okay, so we both like skeletal minions.

Here is the hilarious bit.

He narrates everything he does.

It’s got to come from spending the last year watching Let’s Play videos on YouTube.

All these Minecraft video makers like the Yogscast spend their time doing Let’s Play videos playing games, and the whole time they’re narrating everything they do while they’re playing.

His favorites are the ones with Yogscast Lewis and Simon, and also Yogscast Duncan.

They all do the same things (but with various degrees of awkwardness). As they play games, they narrate everything.

Now my son does too.

It’s freaking hilarious.

See, he only does it while playing video games, and it seems to be automatic. He doesn’t do this at any other time, but if he starts playing a video game, the mouth starts narrating. Constantly. CONSTANTLY.

It’s wonderful.

Normally, he sits next to me all the time so I don’t think Cassie even knew he does this as much as he does, but it’s summer break now, and he’s home with her.

All day.

While she tries to focus on work.

Cassie works from home as a contractor making twice as much as I do because she’s smart and has an education, and I’m an idiot wage slave.

There she is, all day, working away in her home office…

…and there is our son, sitting in the living room playing video games and talking non-stop, describing everything he’s doing and how cool things are and this sword is awesome and I can totally kick that green slimes’ butt and on and on. ALL DAY.

It’s great, I heartily encourage him to share with me everything he is enthusiastic about. I figure I’m about three years away from him realizing I’m the enemy because I’m a parent, and never wanting to talk to me again. I’m going to enjoy every sweet moment of this I can, even when I really wish he’d be quiet for five seconds and let me focus on this chapter I’m trying to write, focus Bear, FOCUS.

We’re not going to discourage him from being happy and gushing and chatty.

But oh my, the look on my wife’s face at the end of the day yesterday when I came home, and she shared with me her true joy at spending the last eight hours listening to the narration of whatever games he happened to play that day.

Priceless. Just priceless.

¹Seriously, look it up. Marvel Puzzle Quest’s CEO makes it clear their goal, and the goal of all game companies in the sector is to use micro-transactions and clever content gating to net $30 out of each player per month on the average. $1 ARPDAU (Average Revenue Per Daily Active User). If the idea of paying $30 a month to play a phone game because of content gating a buck at a time so it’s hard to notice the real cost doesn’t sicken you about the direction of games publishers, I don’t know what will.
6 Responses to “The Cub Report: Narrating the Apocalypse”
  1. Theodoxus says:

    Ok Bear, I got this game on your recommendation last night, and I spent WAAAAY too long playing it – but I couldn’t figure out how to get the necromancer spells. I went to the library and cleared it out, picked up the skull and could teleport out, but when I went back in, there wasn’t a trainer – and no new trainers in town or the capital.

    I too want an undead army! Please, let me know where to go / who to talk to / what I need to kill to get my undead on.

    Thanks for putting this on my radar!

    • bigbearbutt says:

      What I did was search the internet for Battleheart Legacy, there are lots of guides on how to unlock the trainers.

      If I remember right, you take the skull back to the mage school, and when you’ve turned it in you get a FREAKY cut scene, and go back into the mage school and go to the left to investigate when the master wizards guards are missing… and enter the head wizards bedroom to find a great surprise.

      and remember, you want to be a necromancer, but it’s your choice whether to go evil or not with what you find inside.

  2. Sprowt says:

    uhoh … I’m due to go on holiday soon .. a whole week without a computer … this is just too much temptation!!

  3. DeGei says:

    Oh lord he watches Lewis, Simon, & Duncan? He will never be good at anything.

    On a serious note, some of the Yogscast do swear on occasion. Its not constant, but Simon will do something like tell Lewis to “take it, and then shove it right up your @$$.” Jokingly of course. So its something to be aware of.

    • bigbearbutt says:

      I’ve never been horrified at profanity, and he watches everything sitting right next to me.

      It’s always made more sense to me to be aware of reality and learn how to deal with it than to pretend it doesn’t exist.

      He’s good, he doesn’t swear.

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