Last night, I lost a good friend. A true friend.

A friend that has been there for me for six years, keeping me safe, always looking out for me, protecting me from the evil that lurks in the dark corners of the world.

Watching.

Waiting.

My Blizzard Authenticator finally died.

I feel cold and alone, now. I log in and wonder, have they found me? Is this the moment when they sense my weakness and attack again?

Will I find my character standing there, naked, wearing only a cock ring?

I purchased my authenticator in the very first wave when they were released, shortly after the original Blizzard announcement in June of 2008.

In all that time, my little Authenticator remained faithful and true, and served me well, granting me safe access to a world of wonder.

Keep in mind, I am one of the many who have had their accounts hacked in the past. Oh my, yes. Such a lovely little Christmas present THAT was.

Since today brought the announcement of the Warcraft 10th Anniversary and we’re all being invited to take a trip down memory lane, I invite you to click that link to an old post of mine from 2007, wherein I regale you with the drama from my account dickery hackery lock on Christmas Eve, 2006. You might detect a touch of vitriol as I discuss in extremely accurate (and profane) terms my Blizzard customer service experience circa 2006.

Blizzard, you’ve come a long way. But let’s be honest, you had a long way to go.

Love ya. /mucha smoocha

Oh damn, was I pissed. PISSED.

That was then and this is now, and my happiness is brought to you by the letter AUTHENTICATOR BITCHES.

Wait, that ain’t a letter, except by the editor.

I still remember the day the postman rang once, and brought me my little bundle of joy.

That moment is one that can still bring tears of joy to my eyes. Such strong, true feelings.

Okay, so the feelings are mostly FUCK YOU HACKERS DIE PRICKS MUA HA HA HA HAAAAAA. Ha. Ahem.

They’re still feels.

Fortunately, my period of vulnerability will be a short one.

Replacement authenticators are available on the Blizzard store for only $6.50, in stock, free shipping. Yes please and thank you.

You might prefer the totally free mobile authenticator app, maybe you think you don’t need any but hell, free Core Hound pup, why the heck not.

Me, I like the tangibility of my security solution.

I like to have that physical embodiment of solid protection, like a Paladin bubble protecting my account from all the little hacker pricks the world over.

Holding the Authenticator in my hand feels like… victory.

My PSA to you, if you’ve been using an authenticator as long as I have, think about replacing it soon, and ABSOLUTELY make sure you enable SMS protect on your cell phone of choice with Texting plan, it makes updating your account, changing passwords and removing dead authenticators absolutely hassle free. Word up.

14 Responses to “So Long Old Friend – the Dead Authenticator Blues”
  1. Pugnacious Priest says:

    Mines been doing the ‘ press me really hard and at an angle and I may show you my digits’ I should also get a new one

  2. hasteur says:

    Each time they include a new authenticator in the WoW CE box or the Blizzcon physical bag I switch to a new one. My threshold for switching is when I can’t read the numbers on the back of the fob I know it’s time to change. They’ll never pry a physical token out of my hands because dividing the control between who I am (acct name), what I know (a password), and what I have (a physical token) means that most expoiters will give up long before they succeed in getting into my acct. Also my fob sits on my monitor, attached to my SWTOR keyfob because if I’m not at my home I don’t need to get access to critical stuff.

    • bigbearbutt says:

      Exactly what I do, Hasteur! My fob sits on my computer desk under the monitor… basking in the glow.

  3. Grimmtooth says:

    Which boss drops the cock ring?

    Asking for a friend.

    • bigbearbutt says:

      What, you didn’t click the link?

      Why would you be afraid to click the link?

      CLICK IT! You know you want to.

      • Grimmtooth says:

        My momma always told me, “Grimm” (she called me that from time to time), “never click on a link leading to a cock ring.”

        She never explained why she had that particular advice at the ready, but I’ve come to trust my mom’s advice on the internet. Except that bit about the cup and the girls. That was pretty rude.

  4. El Bearsidente says:

    Switched to mobile a while ago. Much better than waiting for either the battery running out or forgetting where it is.

  5. Hiemalis says:

    Ahh, so that’s why we didn’t see you tonight.

  6. mbuhtz says:

    I have that original authenticator too, but I think I have already purchased a backup (which means I should go locate it…). And good advice about the SMS protect. Thanks!

  7. DraytonWoW says:

    After my first and last hacked naked inducing embarrassment I got the mobilephone authenticator. When my phone decided to have a dicky power button and I couldn’t bring it to life I could careless about the phone and sobbed over the authenticator app. Mourning a digit dispensing friend is never easy to explain to the significant other :(

  8. André says:

    Apparantly the keychain is not available in the EU, so after reading this, and reminding myself that I already know the battery was dying, I unhooked my authenticator today and got the Mobile version (Luckily I just went smartphone). Thanks for the reminder.

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