Archive for the “Bear Chef” Category

Hi, I’m the Bear Chef, and welcome to another episode of random food fun.

I have been working on this one for quite some time, and I think it is finally ready to unveil.

Behold, the power.

The majesty.

The unstable danger of….

Wow Wow Sauce!

Long recognized as the prized sauce of discerning Archchancellors, the method of its creation has long been a closely held secret. Granted, that’s mostly due to Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms regulations that would classify it as all three and tax the living beejeebus out of it.

But no longer! Thanks to the efforts of yours truly, a hirsute ursine with a recent flair for the diabolical, the recipe has come to life and can be duplicated in your very own kitchen! Demon familiar not included, unless you drop some on your cat.

This sauce is a powerful concoction, and provides an explosive touch to a fine meal. You’ve been warned.

Once fully prepared, this sauce should be stored in glass containers, mostly because it tends to eat its way through anything else, as my wife and our floor will attest.

Ingredients; 
1/2 cup balsamic vinegar
1/2 cup honey
1/4 cup sriracha ‘rooster’ sauce
1/4 cup water
1 tbsp brown sugar
1 tsp or two light dashes of crushed red pepper flakes

Tools:
Whisk
Saucepan
Glass container for storage (or a plastic squeeze bottle for dispensing, if you’re up to enchanting a bottle that is liable to melt in your icebox anyway and turn your leftover meatloaf into a ravening demon. Which is a horrible danger, since the demon might eat your bacon.)

The Steps of Divine Creation:
Special note: If you are looking for the pervasive fire of the one true ring, use a full tsp of the crushed red pepper. If you’re more in the mood for a tantalizing tease of heavenly heat, use just a dash or two.

Whisk together all ingredients in a small saucepan over medium heat.

Gently boil uncovered for 20 to 25 minutes. We’re aiming to reduce the volume of the liquid through evaporation, so you want a reasonable boil more than a mild simmer. Just don’t bring it to an aggressive boil, or to a fast boil, because it will foam up and then you’ve got serious trouble… and a heck of a mess on your stove top. Also, the sauce will take on the characteristics of its creation, and the last thing you want is a fast, aggressive wow-wow sauce on the loose.

Bonus points for any GM that creates stats to have a fast, aggressive wow-wow sauce as a random monster in your fantasy campaign.

Think of it this way. You are the mad wizard, or at least the mad wizard’s apprentice. This is alchemy, and you’re distilling the potion. Or, if you’re like me, you’re a fan of distillation in all it’s forms anyway, and that this smacks of alchemy is simply a fortuitous occurrence.

Remember that uncovered boil? After about 20 to 25 minutes start checking the volume, you want to be down by about 1/3rd. As it reduces, the flavors become more intense, and some of the vinegar is muted into a rich, mellow tone against the chili fire.

If you’re not sure how much it’s reduced, don’t sweat it. More or less is fine, we’re wizards and this is high art, not to be mistaken for the art of getting high. Eyeball it, and if you like the deep, black color with red-tinted edges, call it good.

Remove the pan from heat and let your sauce cool for at least 10 minutes before serving.

When your immediate needs are, ahem, satisfied, place the rest in your icebox for use anytime. Remember, we added no unnatural preservat… oh, I can’t even finish that line with a straight face. Store it in the icebox for as long as you like, but remember, fermentation may be a thing. Along with explosions, fires of unknown origin, black oozes and random unexplained detonations in your pants. You’ve been warned.

I recommend storing it for no more than a week myself, since you know… I may be a Warlock Bear, but even I am not impervious to litigation. You store it for five years, drink it and then explode, it ain’t my fault. You’ve got one week. After that, it’s your ass. Be told.

Suggested uses:
Wow Wow Sauce is a good dipping sauce for meat or poultry, like chicken nuggets, and also as a glaze for pork chops or chicken on the grill. For those kinds of uses, the ‘dash of pepper’ method may be a more universally accepted taste.

Where WoW WoW Sauce truly shines is when you toss all thought of moderation to the winds, and go for broke. Especially if you go for the tsp of crushed red pepper technique.

Here’s what to do. Make some exceptionally crispy chicken strips, preferably quite thin and not those big honking KFC-style things that are simply whole chicken breasts dipped in batter. They’re good, but they detract from this particular experience, the point of which is the maximum conveyance of sauce to your mouth.

Take your fully cooked and hot super-crispy chicken strips (or crispy wings!) and put them in a metal wok-shaped bowl with a generous portion of the warm sauce. Shake and swirl and spin to coat the chicken well, then set the chicken on a rack over a shallow pan to drain the excess sauce off. Give them a minute, then pick up with tongs, shake, and plate them suckas.

Serve your WoW-WoW Sauce wings/strips on a plate with a side of cool, soothing ranch dressing for dipping. I think you’ll agree with me that they’re magical.

Trust me on this, if you whip this up when you’re in the mood for a walk on the wild side of buffalo wings, you’re going to be a devilishly delighted devourer of succulent snacks.

Thank you for your time, and remember to hug the chef!  It gets you within range of melee attacks.

Comments 3 Comments »

This one time, I’ll explain the obscure reference I had in mind. it’s too good not to.

Not everything I say is a pop culture reference, but more are than you might think. Not because I’m smart, but because my brain has no original thoughts in it, I’m a product of my environment.

Okay, and because everything I say or do reminds me of something funny someone else did.

Yeah, the world cracks me up.

Comments 5 Comments »

Just for the purpose of messing with search engines, let me be clear… I ain’t the bare chef.

This post is inspired by one of my favorite blogger-type people, Pacheco, the writer of two blogs I adore…

One discusses her exploits in World of Warcraft, whilst the other showcases her passion for cooking and enjoying fine meals.

The two blogs are… wait for it…

Hello Tauren!, and BACON GRAVY

With a name like Bacon Gravy, you know it’s going to be good. :)

Through her blogs, Pacheco has shared with us her passion, her spirit, her craftiness, and sometimes, when we’re lucky… her recipes.

In her honor, I will hereby share with you one of my personal, lovingly developed and ultra-specially secret recipes.

Now, I’m not a skilled chef, or any kind of chef for that matter. When I develop a recipe, it’s not with an eye towards culinary skill, cutting style, or fancy techniques. You can rest assured, what the Bear Chef brings to you, you can safely reproduce in your own kitchen at home.

I don’t aim for fancy, I don’t even aim for stylish. I aim for “Damn, that’s good. Got any more chips?”

This recipe I share with you now is my personal recipe for garden-fresh salsa… if your idea of garden fresh is, “I’ve got a decent grocery store down the street.” And I don’t mean Whole Foods, either. Yes, you could use the fresh produce from a farmers’ market, but you know… somehow, for my recipes, buying your stuff in the most easily accessible, laziest way possible actually helps enhance the flavor.

Try it! I’m not kidding.

The Bear Chef’s Salsa

Tools needed:

  • Blender or food processor with a pulse cut setting.
  • Large, clean bowl with easily sealed top (plastic wrap is fine).
  • Sharp knife and cutting board.
  • Refrigerator or cooler with ice big enough for the very large bowl.

Ingredients:

  • 3 or 4 Jalapeno peppers, each around 3″ long
  • 6 to 8 cloves of garlic
  • 1 medium onion (white is fine, Vidalia provides a delicious enhanced sweetness when in season)
  • 1/4 cup chopped cilantro
  • 12 to 14 Roma tomatoes
  • 2 to 4 branches celery, sticks only
  • 1 green bell pepper
  • 1 red bell pepper
  • 1 yellow bell pepper
  • 1 orange bell pepper
  • 1/4 cup red cooking wine
  • 1/8 cup olive oil
  • 2 teaspoons sea salt

Optional ingredients:

  • 1 habanero (for more intense heat – see below)
  • 4 peaches as an alternative to the red cooking wine (see below)

Clean and place the following ingredients in a blender or food processor:

  • Garlic cloves, peeled.
  • Cilantro leaves, chopped.
  • 2 (two) Roma tomatoes.
  • Red cooking wine
  • Olive oil
  • Sea salt

Pulse the blender to bring the contents to a finely minced state; about 1/16″ bits. Consistency should be kinda gloopy, but still have a bite. Place entire blender contents in the very large bowl.

Add ALL the rest of the ingredients as diced 1/4″ bits to the bowl as follows:

  • Bell peppers – discard all inner seeds and stringy bits before dicing. 
  • Celery stalks.
  • Remaining 10 to 12 Roma tomatoes.
  • Jalapenos – Discard the seeds for milder salsa before dicing. Include seeds for a hint more heat. (For stepped up heat, add to blender section exactly one habanero without undermining flavor.)
  • Onion – peel before dicing, do not use 1″ of core.

Stir all ingredients in bowl with a spoon very well, ensuring that all diced components get sauced up by the blender marinade. Cover the bowl tightly and refrigerate for no less than one hour to chill. Liquid will settle in bottom; mix again after first 30 minutes and return to fridge.

After one hour, salsa is chilled and ready for eating. Remove bowl from refrigerator, DRAIN and discard excess liquid that has settled to the bottom, and set out with some serious snacking chips. If you’re slow getting that salsa eaten, liquid may accumulate in bottom again; drain if it gets too messy for you.

Alternative recipe change:

If you love salsa, but, like my very good Mormon friends, do not drink or use alcohol, there is a variation I’ve tried that has worked well.

From the list of ingredients, remove the 1/4 cup red cooking wine. In it’s place, get 4 fresh peaches. Peel and remove the seeds from all peaches. Use one peach as a replacement for the red cooking wine in the blender section of the recipe. Take the three remaining peaches, dice into 1/4″ bits and add to the bowl with the other ingredients.

There you have it!

This recipe has served me very well. Salsa is one of those foods that, much like pizza and BBQ sauce, can be totally different depending on where you go. I have never really cared for the salsa you get in stores that is a boiled ketchup sauce style paste. I love chunky, chilled garden fresh salsa chopped fine enough to really pile a lot of different flavors onto one chip.

I hope you take the time to make a batch, and let me know how you like it!

This is the Bear Chef, saying… Allez cuisine!

Comments 18 Comments »

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