Archive for the “Humor” Category
So what does a Bear do to drown his sorrows?
The same thing any gamer does when faced with disappointment. Kill shit with a big sappy grin.
Virtual shit, that is.
Our preferred foe is, of course, the eponymous internet dragon, favorite target of millions of frustrated players the world over.
You could almost feel sorry for internet dragons. Almost.
Okay, there is one internet dragon I feel sorry for, that I wish I could cuddle and give a small dragon toy to and assure that the mean ol’ nasty players won’t come to hurt them anymore.
Who can have a hardened heart when faced with the blind internet dragon, Atramedes? Who can kill him without a care in the world?
Apparently, the crew I was with last night.
Shortly after my latest blog post went up, Tyben of Elitist Jerks whispered me to see what I was up to. See, she plays with a bunch of her horde friends, awesome people one and all, and on Friday nights they do what they call ‘gold runs’. Setting the controls to the heart of the Sun, also known as 25 player heroic mode, and going after, oh, just about everything.
THIS is why I used my level 90 boost on a Horde Hunter. So I wasn’t limited to playing with Alliance-only friends when Horde friends want to get up to trouble. So many people are Horde 4 Life, so it’s nice to swing both ways. Um. I mean, to keep your options open. To play both sides of the fence. Oh, fuckit.
Never mind. It’s things like this that cause Google Chrome to say I’ve got a bad reputation. Like I’m Joan fucking Jett or something.
Don’t know about you, Google Chrome says I’ve got a bad reputation, my first thought was, “FUCK YES!”
But that’s just me. I still love you, Chrome! Love you long time. You just can’t handle the bear lovin’.
Tyben, Elitist Jerks, gold run Friday night. Right, back on track.
Tyben invited me to come on board, and next thing I know I’m in a massive blast through the Cataclysm greatest hits.
Heroic 25 Firelands was first, a place I know well. So very well. Every Monday for how long now? No matter, here we are and I was fortunate enough to be there when Ragnaros went down and one of Tyben’s friends got their Heart of Fire, meaning another worthy soul will be wielding Dragonwrath today.
After that, it was kind of a blur.
Dragon Soul, Bastion of Twilight and Sinestra, Blackwing Descent and Atramedes, Throne of the Four Winds… that’s a lot of Cataclysmic stuffs.
I killed so many internet dragons last night I got the Dragonslayer title! Okay, you get that for killing Sinestra in Bastion of Twilight, but it coulda been from all the internet dragon killing.
We ended up in the Shrine, where I was glad to take a break. So many raids, so many dragons…
“Okay, someone find out where Sha of Anger is hiding…”
Wait, they’re not done? Are you serious?
Sha of Anger beaten up, okay time to go to sleep. Someone pipes up, “Okay, moo moo vaults next!”
Oh, hell no. Now all of Pandaria?
It turns out, there is a definite limit to how many dragons I need to slay before my bloodlust is sated for one day.
Those are some crazy cats in Elitist Jerks. Crazy, cats, crazy.
Ah, cross realm Horde side fun.
I do like my Blood Elf Hunter. I have a crow pet, and a crow battle pet, and I’ve now named them Huggin’ and Muggin’. They shall be at my sides, close enough to rest on my shoulders, every time I play.
Just goes to show, just as Monty Python says, always look on the bright side of life! Sure as heck wasn’t how I thought I was going to be spending my Friday night, now was it?
You never know how your day may end up. So cheer up!
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Pull up a chair my friends, and let me share with you a tale of adventure… yes, adventure, but adventure shadowed by woe!
The story may be warmly familiar, but if you stay with me to the end there is a lesson to be learned within.
On an evening much like any other, a small band of misfit wanderers joined together. The purpose of their gathering was to enter the exciting Firelands, land of fun and frolic.
Firelands! A name that once spoke of endless hours of toil and grinding desperation, but now inhabiting that blessed ‘sweet spot’ for raiding; too easy for serious raiding, just difficult enough to need more than one person, lots of goofy mechanics, cool looking transmogs, and the possibility of super-cool rare mounts. Who could ask for more? Do a barrel roll!
Indeed, Firelands is now a place that is a joy to engage, taking only a scant handful of friends to romp merrily among the murderous minions, but having a bounty of potential rewards. Not least of which, of course, is that most wonderful of raid oddities, a Legendary weapon that multiple classes can use, that has little if any element of RNG, and that has so many stages lots of people can be doing it all in the same raid!
These few, these few, this band of misfits had fought together many a time before. MANY, MANY times before. I mean, seriously, that Legendary chain seems to take a coons age to get through.
Moving through that chain is kinda like trying to move a kidney stone. Lots of screaming and yelling, all out of proportion for the itty-bitty thing you get out the other end. And while it’s really important to you, nobody else really cares how the progress is coming. No, really. They don’t want to hear about it.
Of all of these friends that had gathered together, four had been there the longest.
There was Baddmojo, the Rogue, the tank in leather and the queen in red. Known chiefly for his alcohol consumption, Baddmojo could be counted on to be right up in the face of anything you cared to name, first to fight, warbling his mighty battlecry, “Cloak of Shadows, Cloak of Shadows, blood and souls for my Cloak of Shadows!”
Baddmojo is also known as the master of “where did he go, how the hell did he get to the next boss already, I didn’t know you could fly from Alysrazor direct to him, WTF.”
There was me, of course, the Warlock in spite of myself. Ever in pursuit of that next dribble of Smouldering Essences. What weapon do you have equipped, Bear? What’s that, Bear, did you fight a boss with your legendary staff-in-training equipped again? GG, Bear. GG. Did you remember to switch weapons, Bear? Did you, Bear? DID YOU? OMIGOD WHAT IS SO F’ING HARD ABOUT REMEMBERING TO SWITCH WEAPONS, BEAR?!?
By the way, did you remember to switch weapons back, Bear?
Then we had Elynea the fair, Elynea the Deadly Druid, Elynea of the everlasting hunt. Elynea, who has been on almost every single Firelands run with me, and every single fricken time the fire kitty staff has dropped, she has lost the roll to another Druid that came on our run for the first time and never, EVER came back again. And yet, she hasn’t yet killed me with the powers of her mind through the internet.
Tesh, I’m looking right straight at you, buddy. Firekitty staff ninja.
And of course, our course core foursome of diehards would not be complete without Aldyrr.
Aldyrr the Hunter. Trapmaster. Finder of rare pets. Talented multi-tasker and all around great guy.
Or is he?
There we were, once more unto the breach, facing the rocky chunks of magma, flames shooting into the skies.
We were so close. SO CLOSE.
For me, the road had been long, but I was finally nearing the end of the very last collection phase of the legendary questline. Smouldering Essences, that was my game, and the hunting had been good. 208 of the 250 were in my pouch already, and tonight would get me almost the rest of the way. If not tonight, then on our next visit ‘twould be a certainty.
And might not the mistress of chance smile on me yet tonight? The odds were long, but they could fall my way and this could be the very last night of chasing the chain, and the first day of being bound body and soul to the might of a majestic blue dragon for all time.
It could happen. It probably wouldn’t but IT COULD HAPPEN.
Never piss on the fingers of fate, they might wash their hands of your RNG chances for the future. Semper Fidelis. Always Faithful. It could happen. If not this time, then cheer up, next time for sure!
This was to be a special trip, my son was joining us after many months away from the game on his mighty Warlock Wooffie, and Elynea had brought her daughter along for her first full Firelands fun.
Also, and this was new, we would finally take a serious look at the Penitent achievement for Staghelm. I was sure, with the proper coaching and the use of /kneel macros we would get that one down, after our many half-assed attempts on previous weeks.
We began to kill the many, many trash needed for Shannox to get riled up, and it was so chaotic with summonings and late visitors and invites and scurrying around that we very nearly facepulled Shannox before I ever knew he had spawned.
Accidental boss kills are never a good sign, but first down and time to get a move on. Beth’tilac next, Bear which weapon do you have equipped? The right one? Good furball, here’s a cookie, keep it up.
Time to face the spider, my son wants to go up topside, being on the spider’s web is something he enjoys and remembers fondly it seems. I say sure, the more the merrier, I watch as it seems the entire group goes up top, and I’ve barely given the trash down below a glare and a scolding before Beth’tialc comes tumbling down, the web… comes tumbling down.
Loot, mount up and almost everyone dashes off to the next boss (magma!) as I swap weapons to my baby-almost-legendary and wait out the 30 second cooldown before I can drain the cold, dead corpse of it’s Smouldering Essences.
12… 11… 10… 9…
WAIT ONE MOTHER (^)*(&^)& MINUTE HOLD THE PHONE WTF OVER!?!
WHERE THE FUCK DID MY SPIDER GO?
I SAID WHO STOLE MY MOTHER FUCKING SPIDER IN THIS MOTHERFUCKING RAID?
I look across the suddenly vacant space in shock, to see a lone Hunter standing there, looking back at me.
Hands full of spider leather.
Aldyrr skinned my Beth’tilac.
SKINNED HER WITH MY SMOULDERING ESSENCES STILL ON HER COLD, DEAD CORPSE.
Spiderthief, I name you. Trapmaster, Pet Finder, and now Spiderthief.
I’d call you a base, deceitful leather whore, but I’m actually afraid of what that would do to search engines and my traffic. Also, Leather Whore sounds like a pretty cool job description now that I think of it, I used to do leathercrafting, some of the stuff people would ask me to make I coulda put that on a business card, “John Patricelli, Leather Whore.”
I turn to my wife, I turn to her and I say, “He skinned her. He skinned Beth’tilac! He skinned my spider! I could have finished the quest tonight but HE SKINNED MY ESSENCES.”
And she looks at me, eyes devoid of sympathy, Cassie looks at me and she says, “Well, there’s a lot of leather on one of those. Also, you never would have finished the quest tonight. Get over it.”
Well, fine, but I can pout and write a really long blog post all about it, can’t I? That’s what mature adults do when they get all pouty over a video game, right?
oh, they don’t? they suck it up and move on? hah, you ain’t been around here much, has you?
Dedicated with loving respect to my buddy Aldyrr, make sure you go cheer him up on Twitter, his handle is @jhdesynz and I just know he’d love to hear from you.
The moral of the story, the lesson, the key thing to take away from all this, is… if you’re doing this chain watch out for your buddies, now that Baddmojo knows Beth’tilac can be skinned he announced he’s going to be using that knowledge for evil from now on, I’m telling you, watch your friends, they’re not to be trusted with this kind of power.
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Do you recall, many moons ago, sweet Elune it was way back in 2008, I did a post called “I don’t know what it is, but it has Aggro?”
My good buddy TishToshTesh came up with this insane rendering of my son’s idea for an Engineering Hunter Pet.
Some of you thought it was an impossible dream.
Some of you even laughed, and not an evil genius, mad scientist laugh appropriate for the occasion but a mocking laugh, a laugh tinged with a tone of derision.
Let’s see who’s laughing now, chuckles.
The first stage of the process has begun.
In the game?
Hell no, in the real world!
Feast your eyes on this, and gaze unbelieving upon the seeds that sow the coming apocalypse.
And THIS is the video for what they call the Fish on Wheels Kickstarter project.
Look at it.
LOOK AT IT!
Wheels and a guidance control system today, CHAINSAWS AND ROCKET LAUNCHERS TOMORROW!
Mark my words.
You think this is an accident? Oh sure, you see the cute little fishie in the video, they have you thinking, “Aw, how cute, what threat could they possibly be?”
That’s exactly what they want you to think.
But look back up there at the picture at the top. See the grin on that goldfish in the picture?
DO YOU SEE THE GRIN?
There is a day coming, mark my words, there is a day coming when you will walk into a supermarket looking for some tunafish, and there in the aisle will be a dolphin in an armed ATV, and that dolphin will yell at you through their tinny little speaker, “That better be albacore, BITCH!”
And on that day, you will remember.
I warned you, but did you listen? No!
Oh, and while you’re here, why not check out the aggrofish shirts in our lovely gift shoppe?
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I’m about done with April Fools as a thing, since most folks I’m seeing on the internet seem to see it as an excuse to be assholes.
As if anyone needs an excuse, right?
Still, some bits are funny.
I loved the lighthearted and sometimes pointed references to concerns past and present in the Blizzard Warlords 6.0 patch notes, I think they were awesome and fun. I really liked them, and I was surprised by how a lot of the remarks felt, well, spot on. Like a private in-joke for those of us that have been deeply involved with WoW for years, and know all the trials and complaints and outright begging and bitching we’ve endured over the years.
I won’t dwell on the negatives much, although I do want to call out The TV Addict website for being outright assholes. No, really, fuck you.
Through all of the troll lol lolling, there has to be a winner, though.
I hereby present my vote for the most surprising laugh-out-loud April Fool moment today;
Ladies and gentleorcs, I hereby present to you my UI when I logged in a few minutes ago;
I use ElvUI for a complete UI replacement, and I love it dearly. I LOVE having the mix of standard button bars and the health bars bottom center, and basically everything being where I’m looking so I’m never called to look to upper left to check status or health or whatever.
Little did I suspect, when I installed my UI that I was soon to be on my way to Hello Kitty Island Adventure.
What you don’t see in this screenshot is, those little kitties are dancing. Yes, they’re animated.
OMG so cute!
Even after the day I’ve had, this put a big smile on my face. Well done, ElvUI. Well done.
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Once upon a time in a magical, far off land there was a bear.
The bear liked to growl and dance, and talk, and eat heaping piles of bacon.
But above all else, the bear liked to bounce.
From dragons and dungeons to instances and invasions, his big brown butt could be seen happily bouncing to the beat of nations.
Times change, talents were added, tweaked, moved and were lost, but the bounce went on.
Damage was mitigated, reduced, dodged and avoided, but the bounce went on.
Finally there came a day when mitigation became active, and something had to give. The bear could either be bouncy or be beat on, but not both at once.
With sadness, the big brown bear realized that if he gave himself over to being the most active, properly defensive bear he should be, he would have nothing left over to bounce with.
The bear felt his world turning quite gray and cold. Bearing on the bounce was what prevented feeling old.
“A bear without bounce, that just will not do! Oh bother,” the bear thought, “bouncing has gotten too hard to do! Perhaps it’s time to leave tanking for the fast-fingered crew.”
The bear settled down and his days turned quite slow, for he had no more oomph and no particular place to go. He rested in his tree and ate bacon all day, and wondered through the hours what new games he should play.
“I loved being a bear and bouncing all day, and swiping my paws in the enemies’ face. I wonder what’s out there, what else I could do to bring the good times bouncing back with a good swipe or two.”
The bear looked around, and read through the lists, of character creation and leveling kits. Monks and Pandaren, Priests and Paladins too, so many options to choose from but none that ring true!
But wait, what am I thinking, the choice is quite clear! It’s a pandaren hunter that can bounce it’s butt near. I’ll grab a big gun and have a funky dance, and when it comes to bouncing just watch that groovy ass!
Off the bear went, and felt his soul on the mend as he hunted Isle mogu with his dinosaur friend. Growls and stomping, leaps and chomping and a fat feast of feathers flew, the feral spirit was returning with a bear bouncing through.
The hunter tried raiding while shaking his fluff, and bouncing around goofily soloing stuff. The Island of Thunder got smacked with a bow and a gun shoved quite rudely where no gun should go.
It just wasn’t the same, some essential something was missed. Did he make the wrong choice in the character class list? The bear felt himself sitting in front of the screen, wondering “Should I keep logging on in, or start shopping on Steam?”
He didn’t know what to do, was his time over in WoW? If there was no more joy, stick a fork in it now.
He finally decided to make no sudden rash moves. “My father procrastinated, I’m going to too! Why act right away to decide what to do? I’ll putter and potter and mutter and ramble, and mess with some alts while I chat and I scramble. In time I’ll find out if the magic’s all gone, or if theres still some fat spark lurking deep in the wand.”
The bear played with his Pally, his Warrior and Priest, but though they were okay none of them bounced like a beast. The paladin felt clunky, the warrior lacked range, and the priest looked all awesome but couldn’t move worth a damn.
Then he tried something new, something he’d always abhored; he rolled a slimy warlock (but at least it wasn’t a Horde).
The Warlock seemed crappy, it had pets without style, everyone summoned the same with random names from a file. If you’re going to have pets, at the very little least you could let us enslave them for a variety of treats!
Why isn’t this Warlock the same as the Hunter I know, but with red and green fire and a staff not a bow? I want it all different, but also the same, because I want it new but still different, yes I’m completely insane.
Why not give it a chance, why not try out the specs, see what demonology is like, I hear it’s a tank with a pet.
I tried all the specs out, and was flabbergasted to see that the more that I played it, the more it was ME!
The warlock could leap and could bounce and could hop, all while spitting red fire and sending pets out to chomp.
Demonology meant you could leap forward quite far, be tough as a tank and chew bad guys like sharks. You grew giant bat wings and great honking horns, and the ground at your feet swirled with purple arcane forms.
Affliction meant you were a poisonous beast, and it was everything I hated in my original priest. I didn’t want to drop DoTs on a bunch of bad guys, and sit watching as they took forever to die.
Then someone suggested I give destruction a try if I wanted to bounce and tear around on the fly. “You get to rain fire and dance all about, lords a leaping and chasing and shooting green dragons up the snout.”
I gave it a try, it all seemed pretty cool, but I’m a bear in my heart and this warlock felt crude. I’m not about evil cackles and eating your soul, a chomp on some bacon’s as far as I’ll go.
I know it’s all fun and I’m having a blast, but do I really want to play some evil asshole in a mask?
Turns out yes I do, I just pretend I’m not evil, the fire is quite nice and doesn’t REALLY burn people. I’m a sleek deadly warlock that destroys all evil in sight, I like long walks on the beach, provided there is a warbringer to fight.
Yes, I know it’s not proper that a bear turns to fire, but the DESTRUCTION LETS ME BOUNCE WHILE I SET THING ALIGHT!
I can fire and torch baddies from morning til noon, and all the while bounce like a big fricken loon.
The pet thing turned out to be fine in the end, there is something reassuring about a dedicated tank friend. When my blueberry is out I know right away that it’s tanking he’s doing, I don’t have to respec a thing. If I want to shoot fire I whip out the imp, and when it’s time to turn freaky I bring out the whip.
The more I wanted to hate it the more my love grew, this Warlock all bouncing and in sweet evil clothes.
Now I spend all my time in the game like I should, bouncing around having fun like a happy bear could.
I may be purple and green and throw red fire about, I have a blueberry for a pet and scare things when I shout, but I can solo warbringers and kill DeGei with a portal and I can bounce all I want while I rain fire upon you.
I know it’s not proper for a bouncing bear butt to say, but in the heart of a warlock I found a reason to stay.
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