I started you off with The Gord, and from the emails I’ve received, some of you enjoyed a bit of a laugh. Mission accomplished

Now to go to phase two: destroyer of lunchtimes.

Most of you are so internet savvy that you were probably right there from the start, but it’s been a long time. Maybe what was old is now new again for the New Year.

Say hello to the Bastard Operator From Hell.

There was a period of time where I spent not just hours but weeks reading every single story from every bit of the archive on my lunch breaks…

And then moved on from there to the literally YEARS of stories archived and still coming out (mostly) weekly on the Register UK.

You learn something new every day. Today, I learned the BOFH has books out at Plan Nine Publishing. Now I know what I could have asked for, for Christmas.

If you want to learn what true evil lurks in the hearts of the devious and criminally insane customer service professional (or IT boffin), then the BOFH has just taken away your free time.

You’re welcome.

While commenting about the Paul Cristoforo customer service guy from hell story, my buddy Mannyac reminded me that I had once linked to him a website detailing stories of a real customer service legend in the video game industry.

To tell you the truth, it had been so many years I’d completely forgotten about him, but oh shit, the internet really IS eternal!

I therefore have the incredible pleasure to introduce you to Gord.

Love the Gord, but above all, FEAR the Gord.

If you have already met and enjoyed the Words of Gord, then this will be the stuff of pleasant memories. If you haven’t… seriously, buckle up and get ready for an afternoon of reading and evil laughing.

For all the reasons we hate Paul Cristoforo, we still have to enjoy the stories of Gord.

Why?

Because Gord directs his ire on the screwers of the customer world, not the screwed. AND, he does it with snarky brilliance, not frat boy drunken anger issue ignorance.

As soon as I’m done working today, I’m reading all of Gords stories again.

Today should be a red letter day in my diary. I don’t have a diary, so instead I share everything with you.

Most days, whoop de doo, I know. “Dear lord, how many years can this idiot keep blathering about a video game?”

Today is not that day. Today is “Share a moment of hilarity” day.

Do you read the webcomic Penny Arcade?

Part of the singular joy of Penny Arcade is the combination of mocking imagery and erudite commentary. You get a collaborative webcomic mostly about video games, and then you get what boils down to a blog post that might tie in loosely to the comic, or might wander far afield, but never disappoints in entertainment value.

It’s impossible for me to do justice to all that is Penny Arcade without being overly verbose, even for me. I’m trying.

I guess the best I can say is, two guys started to draw webcomics about video games on the internet, and in the years since they have grown into a major force within the video game industry itself. Penny Arcade webcomics have grown into Penny Arcade Expo video game conventions on both coasts (PAX East and PAX West), and all sorts of other influential activities.

There is so much more, but the point is these guys are heavy hitters in the video game industry… but they’re still two creative, imaginative guys, they’re not MBA suits trying to weasel their way up a corporate ladder by edging out Stan in accounting or Emma in marketing.

This brings me to today, and the blog posts that have gone live in the last two days on Penny Arcade.

It turns out that there was this dude, and he pre-ordered some gaming gear on the internet, paid in advance in full, waited months for his product to arrive in time for Christmas, and when the original ship dates were missed, emailed in to customer service to see what was up.

Sound at all familiar to anyone? I know I’ve been in that position before. Most of us have, by now, if you order from small businesses with an internet storefront, or do pre-orders of cutting edge gear.

What made this special, was that he got some truly legendary replies that started a conversation of epic fail rolling… and drug Mike Krahulik, one of the aforesaid video game heavy hitters, into the mix.

From that point on, it’s been the stuff of rapidly growing legend.

I haven’t laughed so hard in weeks. If you haven’t seen this stuff yet, I hope you enjoy it even half as much as I have.

At Penny Arcade, the first mention and majority of “Are you freaking kidding me?”.

Then, an update to the “WTF”

Then today, there was a Penny Arcade comic devoted to the hilarity that has ensued, and really, wouldn’t you expect one at this point?

And then, the accompanying articles, making it pretty clear that Paul is getting royally buttsurfed by the internets today. Right now. As you are reading this, a man’s professional life is spiraling down the shitter.

Already, gamers are running with this, and again, why wouldn’t we? Penny Arcade links to a kickass video about it already out (in one freaking day! OMG!)

Oh, it’s just getting started. I can already see this is gonna be the target of choice for mocking this week. Pauls’ emails are insanely quotable. 

What I love the most about this whole thing is, this has all descended on someone who is part of a PR/Marketing firm that somehow is clueless as to what the internet really is, how it works, and how eternal an email can be. Once you send those words, they’re gone, and you have zip control over what happens next. 

I have no sympathy for him. At all.

I ain’t even IN customer service or PR, and I sure as hell don’t get to walk up to customers visiting our plant or respond to their calls and tell them, “Oh hey, you don’t like the delay on our ship commitment to you? Well, suck it bitches, if you don’t like it, we’ll just take the shit you bought and sell it on ebay!”

In what universe do you think that is in any way remotely professional?

It’s not professional, but it sure is entertaining!

Since somehow my link to aforesaid kickass video was broken, here is the video embedded for your viewing pleasure. NSFW!!!

I picked up a PC World magazine this month, and in it I found a big colorful ad displaying a character that I knew right away was either drawn by Gabe of Penny Arcade, or was a direct rip-off of his art style.

I looked at the picture. Excellent, very evocative of a distinct pair of personalities. The image told a strong story just with a glance.

Nice picture, but is this an ad? Where was the message?

Oh, there it is, words wrapped lovingly around each rich curve and lush swooping angle.

I read the message and wondered aloud, “WTF?”

Turns out, I wasn’t the only one to wonder the same. No, a quick search on the internet showed me that “Penny Arcade ESRB” gets plenty of hits dating from 2006.

Well, I never pretended to be a relevant bear.

Kotaku and Joystiq both had interesting things to say at the time.

I do want to look at the design of the ad, and wonder aloud again, “WTF?”

Let’s take a look at the ad I saw in the magazine, a magazine printed for the 2011 November or December issue of PC World, I might add. It’s still a current ad. Apparently, they’re proud of it. And if you got Gabe to draw your ad, wouldn’t YOU want to show it off?

This is the Penny Arcade ad done for the ESRB called ‘The Andersons”.

Now, long time readers here know I love me some Penny Arcade. Just search, you’ll find Child’s Play drives and all that stuff on my website. And I love the images they did, I do. THis one speaks directly of a gamer and his willing but struggling dad. And it’s sweet, rather than snarky.

It’s the message of this as an advertisement I’m scorning. /scorn.

Riddle me this, Batman. Who is the target audience for ESRB ads in PC World?

Is it the young gamer looking for guidance from a rating on content? 

No. This is PC World magazine, and young gamers aren’t going to be interested in the opinions of anyone other than their peers.

The target audience is, really, slightly out-of-touch parents that know enough about technology to have some grasp of where a clue might be found, cool enough to take in interest in what games their kids play and maybe even play with them, without being so reactionary that they ban all games as ‘The devil’s work”.

This person looks at that ad, sees that image, and the art of Penny Arcade compels you.

You should chant that as if you are a priest, banishing demons from kids stuck playing Sega Saturn while their friends are rocking Xbox 360′s;

“The Art of Penny Arcade Compels You!”

“The Art of Penny Arcade Compels You!”

You zoom in closer, entranced, and your eyes spy the text wrapped around the image.

Then you follow it back until you find the beginning of the sentence, because the bold face type first draws your eye but that’s not where the sentence starts, “Where the hell is the start of this thing? Oh, there it is.”

Not an auspicious beginning.

Then you read this message;

Because the Andersons play games, theres a system in place to make sure they bring home the right ones. This is how that system works; First, Mom and Dad select games using the ratings on the box. Step two, (continued on the other side of the image) everyone gets a controller. Step three, the kids win. This quality time is presented by the ESRB.

I gotta say, that’s just amazing to me, after 5 years that ad is still flying? 

I don’t even want to dissect the message itself, but I have to say one thing.

Step one: Mom and Dad select games using the ratings on the box?

Really? Who out there initiates the game-buying event by going to the store, picking up the box, and selecting which ones to consider based on the ESRB rating?

Are we really supposed to be that clueless?

No. No, you either heard one was good, or you were asked by your kid to buy the game.

Or, you’re trying to get a gift for someone else’s kids and have no bloody idea if Wonder Pets Save The Amazon Rainforest has nudity or mature language.

I’m saying, your kid knows if they want to try it or not. You’re not flying completely blind, unless you are Grandma, in which case you don’t care who the ESRB is, you’re gonna do what they tell ya.

Your kid wants to play a game. They ask you to buy it for them, ’cause you’ve got the cash. Or the game has an ESRB rating that prevents the clerk from selling to your kids age bracket. Either way, you are the gateway to video game happiness.

You are entering this scenario as the parent, the responsible adult, asked to make an informed decision as to whether this game is appropriate for your children based on your own personal standards.

Pop quiz, hot shot. You know nothing of this game.  Your smartphone has no reception, so you can’t look up reviews on your favorite gaming sites like an intelligent adult.

What do you do? What do you do?

You could say no, it’s always a viable alternative.

You could say yes, hoping for the best.

You could just buy it, play it yourself, and once you beat it decide if it’s acceptable for your kids.

Or, and this is a wild thought, you could check out the ESRB rating to get details on what you can expect to see in the game. 

So, think about it. Did their message give you enough info to understand what they’re all about without actively looking at the back of a game box?

I don’t think so. When viewed without preconceived ideas of what the ESRB is, it came across to me a little threatening. If viewed a certain way, it almost seems to make a case that the ESRB wants to decide what your choices should be, incidentally giving them great power over game designers and publishers. ”Do what we say, or we will bury your game with a bad rating, and parents won’t buy it.”

To my way of thinking, an advertisement should answer the following questions;

Who are you, what do you do, and why should I care/buy your product or service?

can we do any better?

I think we can. In a millisecond.

Just a thought, but how about this?

“ESRB: we play the games your kids want to play so you don’t have to.”

Who are you? The ESRB. What do you do? You play all the games and know what is in them. Why do I even care that you exist? Because with an ESRB rating on a box I can make an informed decision on the fly without having to play the game myself first.

I can just say, “Nope! The ratings on the box says this one has bad language and visceral decapitations, and I hate bad language. Hey Marge, what does visceral mean? Is that like my goddamn Crown Royal? Is there booze in this f’ing game?”

I love the image, but it takes more than great art to get your point across, and if you’re not clearly articulating your point with your ad, why the bloody heck are you running it in the first place?

I like webcomics.

I like WoW.

I like webcomics about WoW. Duh.

I like The Daily Blink. Great stuff. (loved loved LOVED todays strip.)

All that aside, The Daily Blink has sidebar advertisements.

So what, so does most gaming-related sites, if only to make enough moola to cover server costs.

But The Daily Blink is special, in that they are firmly in the “webcomic + MMO + video game” demographic.

And so, as I enjoyed todays cartoon, I got to see this on the side of the screen;

I have to ask.

WHAT F’ING GAME ARE THEY RUNNING OVER THERE?

I mean, I had to read it a few times to get the idea that this wasn’t an ad for porn, this was an MMO teaser. For an assassin character.

The Silent Assassin? What, you “can’t hear her coming”?

Okay, that was low, even for me.

Hows about, you won’t be prepared for the ganking you’ll get when she slides down off that pole?

Sorry, I know the trend is ridiculous fantasy female portrayals to grab the eye, but does it work when the art blows past interesting and slides right into satire?

Hmm. I detect a subliminal trend here. Better stop, and go take a shower.

Seriously, though. WTF?!?