Archive for the “Humor” Category

Excuse me a moment, while I give a /salute to some truly epic writing.

There is good writing, and then there is that miraculous moment when someone nails a line so well, it is instantly quotable.

A line of dialogue, a retort, a reply, a snarky comment that is so freaking spot on perfect that the second you hear it, you try and memorize it for later.

It becomes legend.

Tonight, the second part of the “Where’s Perry?” storyline played out on Phineas and Ferb.

Alex and I recorded it, and watched it together.

There came a moment, as Doctor Doofenschmirtz verbally sparred with Major Monogram, that such a line of dialogue happened.

It wasn’t just me. Major Monogram said it, and Alex and I both did a simultaneous spit take, then roared with uncontrollable laughter.

I won’t sully the moment by rendering it in cold, dead print, because with many of these moments, part of the perfection is the delivery. And the delivery was perfect.

If I’ve enticed you, I’m sure you’ll be able to find the episode soon enough, the internet seems made for spreading video like a virus.

But honestly… here’s to you, the writers and voice actors of Phineas and Ferb, for giving me a line of dialogue that was right up there with the best of them.

Yippee Kai Yay, Motherfuckers.

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All right, don’t rip my head off for thinking this, but isn’t there something ethically wrong with the whole Superman/Clark Kent thing?

Specifically, Clark Kents job as a reporter.

I mean, let’s see if I’ve got this right.

You’ve got a guy, he works for a news reporting service, he’s a journalist, he’s supposed to provide news reporting from an impartial, unbiased point of view.

But when something comes up and he goes to report on events as they unfold, if things don’t go the way he likes he takes action to change things to his satisfaction as he sees it.. and then reports on the new situation without making any mention that, hey, you know, shit might have happened differently if the REPORTER didn’t become part of the story.

Am I the only one who ever wondered about that? I mean, how do you objectively report about how you saved the world?

“And then Superman, his manly muscles gleaming in the early morning Sun, swooped below the falling airliner and grasped the airframe in his large hands, and holding the entire thing together by an act of near godlike will, he carried it and it’s grateful passengers to safety. Many of whom would have thrown their panties at his feet, had he but asked.”

You mean, YOU did that. Right? You’re reporting on what you just did. And that’s okay?

And what about all those exclusive interviews he had with.. himself? I am sure he asked himself some very, very tough questions. I bet he really put himself on the spot.

Like just what he did with all those robots in the Fortress of Solotiude, anyway. You had robot duplicates of Lois lane and Lana Lang? Wasn’t that a bit invasive? How did you make sure they were… correct? X-Ray vision?

Did you ask consent first?

In other digressions worthy of a lawsuit…

Does anyone else remember the Shazam!/Isis Power Hour show from the late 1970s?

The premise of the Shazam! part of the show was the kid, Billy Batson, was driven from town to town by his mentor, in a Winnibago. They’d go to a new town, the kid would wander into trouble, and then turn into a super-powered adult to smash the bad guys.

Now, putting aside the whole ‘Winnibago super-hero’ thing for a minute, which all by itself is comedy gold, let’s look at this concept in a modern day world.

Pretend, just for a minute, that the whole “adult and young boy traveling from town to town in a van’ thing is done scrupulously clean and wholesome. Let’s just pretend. We’re bigger than that.

If this were to be on the air today, how could this not take a dark trip into “trolling for child pornographer” territory?

It’s a perfect setup for a plotline where a young boy is sent out as bait to entice child rapists and pornographers, only to have him transform into a super-strong, invulnerable godlike being who then tears them all apart with his bare hands, can fly to catch them when they run, and use the wisdom of Solomon to outwit their attempts to escape his wrath.

I’m just saying, was I just too young to get what other people were thinking about the show, grasp the subtext or connotations of the chickenhawk, or were we really that freaking naive back then? 

If this show came on the airwaves today, all I’m saying is, there better be some serious bloodshed, some wrath of the gods brought down on the unjust.

I can’t imagine it ever being green lit in modern time, because talk about touching a nerve.

Don’t we ALL wish our children could turn into invulnerable super-heroes to save themselves from the very real evil that hunts them out there?

Every time I see the news, the children going missing, the bodies being found, the people with child pornography on their computers, I know I wish MY son was an invulnerable super-strong being, because the real world is fucking terrifying to a parent.

And yet, I see that movie Kick Ass on the screen, and they almost went there, but not quite. So maybe it is something that could make TV. Or be in Kick Ass 2.

Sigh. Oh, for the good old days where a ward was just a ward.

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Alex was running around gathering pots in the Dalaran Sewers, and he noticed a spot of instruction going on.

There was this rat… and he seemed to be teaching a class, with four little turtles eagerly listening to every squeak.

I wonder… is he preparing his pupils for the coming of Pet Battles?

Are these turtles of teenage years busy honing their ninja skills?


Sorry, stuck my finger. I have to go pull this Splinter out… be back soon!

Comments 7 Comments »

Have you ever visited the WoW Item Creator and had fun?

I did. :)

I might put the pic on the sidebar.

Of course, the humor is definitely mine.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Hey, go make your own, and link ‘em!

C’mon, you know there isn’t anything better to do while waiting for the expansion to drop.

Comments 4 Comments »

I just… I just… what the fuck, over?

Just, what the fuck?

I’m sitting at my desk here, right now, plowing through all sorts of customer related incidents and scheduling and repair coordination and parts ordering.

I’m feeling like a champion because I beat down our billing system from four pages down to less than one page of outstanding orders to invoice. I’m bringing home the bacon.

While I’m sitting my butt down behind a desk, I have my fleet of service techs out there right now, busily representing us to the customers, performing the repairs, installing the parts, doing inspections.

From out of nowhere, I get a call from one of our most remote service techs. Or perhaps I should, one of our more far out techs.

I’ve got this guy out being a hero for a customer. Customer had a busted system, big old honking $250,000 machinery installation, and they had all sorts of studs (multi-level threaded structural bolts) that had sheared off from side load force.

Customer had tried some other service provider, and they quoted 6 weeks to replace, ordered the parts, and then when the parts came in, they were the wrong parts. Customer was looking at waiting ANOTHER 6 weeks for the right parts to come in, and turned to me.

“Help me, Big Bear Butt, you’re my only hope! I can’t be down ANOTHER SIX WEEKS!”

I understand. I’m here for you.

Well, your biggest problem is, you didn’t come to me first. But that’s okay, I can help. I’ll send a guy up today, pull one of those studs out, I’ll draw it up in CAD and have a machine shop match the hardness, fabricate you a new set, we’ll get it heat treated and back to you installed in less than two weeks.

Customer swoons. Sales are made. BIG money. Happiness descends across the land, and another competitor falls before the might of the Bear.

Or so I thought.

I’ve got my guy there RIGHT NOW, installing the newly machined studs, and he gives me a call.

All I want to hear from him is, “Mission accomplished, and I’m on my way to my next scheduled assignment.”

What I hear instead, is “Hey, the customer wants to know what our safety policy is concerning running my lift while it’s still on the trailer.”


“What did you say? I know what all those words mean individually, but placed together the way you said them, they make no sense to me.”

“The customer wants to know what OUR safety policy is concerning me running my man lift while it’s still on the trailer.”


“So wait. Let me… just, okay. So, you’re saying… you used the man lift while it was still on the trailer.”

“Yes, I backed the trailer under the equipment and then got in and used the lift while it was still on it.”

“On IT. The trailer. While the lift was still ON the TRAILER.”



“So you’re saying… the lift. The man lift. The lift that takes you 26′ into the sky to fix shit… this lift was still on the two-wheeled little trailer you use to haul it around behind your truck. It was on the trailer when you used it.”

I can’t believe I’m asking this. The words, they come out of my mouth, but they can’t be right. I must not understand.

“Yes, the customer wants to know what our safety policy is concerning that.”



“You know, I’m going to have to get back to you on that. I just slapped my palm so hard across my face I just knocked a few of my own teeth out, and I need to go clean up the blood and find them. I’ll call you back.”

For those of you out there wondering, “What’s the big deal?”, let me explain something.

If you are a contractor, you carry insurance. You have safety policies. You have procedures.

One of the procedures is, you follow the safety policies of the customer when you are on the customer’s work site, unless your own policies are STRICTER.

If a customer requires personnel to wear safety goggles, steel toe boots, a rigging harness and fall arrestor strap, high visibility yellow mesh vests, a hard hat with special stickers denoting training completed, ear plugs AND ear muffs and a feather sticking out of your ass, YOU WEAR THEM.

You follow the customers rules, ALWAYS when on their property, unless your own rules are MORE stringent, not less.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have lunch, and a fifth of tequila, and contemplate our being banned from a customer because one of my geniuses decides to back the truck right the fuck on up and then use a 26′ man lift because he was too fucking lazy to back it off the lift first.

Oh, and HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!

Comments 15 Comments »

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