I think that everyone would get along much better in a relationship, if it weren’t for a few simple misunderstandings.
So I’m going to try and break down a few of the rules men live by.
Kind of “The DaVinci Code” for guys.
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
- Subtle hints do not work!
- Strong hints do not work!
- Obvious hints do not work!
- Just say it!
4. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
5. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. When presented with a problem, we devise a solution. That’s what we do.
If it’s really tricky, the solution may involve duct tape.
6. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissable in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
7. Do not ever ask us if we think you are getting fat, getting old, or changing in any way. When we saw you for the first time, that image was stored, permanently, in our heads. We have no idea what you look like now. This is true 5 days after meeting you, and 5 decades. Don’t ask for comparisons. We won’t understand the question. This applies to all new hair stylings as well.
8. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
9. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
10. If you give us a task that requires tools and materials, and then tell us we don’t have the money to hire professional help, we will assume we are dead broke. Expect at least 8 trips to the home improvement store, as we buy only the minimum of what we think we might need to get it done on the first trip to save money, and then as we work we inevitably find “just one more thing” we need.
11. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. If we seem lost, keep in mind that we are not necessarily concerned with getting directly to our destination. We think of it as a voyage of discovery. “Okay, the night club isn’t down this way, but what is? Ahhhhh, okay. Oh, I didn’t know one of those was in this area. Cool.”
12. If it itches, it will be scratched.
13. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but we respect you too much to call you on it.
14. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
15. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really. Refer to rule 7.
16. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as video games, action movies, webcomics, music, history, sports, or politics. If we begin talking about politics, it is implicitly understood you have our permission to hit us, if that’s what it takes to stop us from flying into a blind rage. We will thank you later, depending on the cost of the hospital visit.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping. We like camping.