Who needs couples counseling?

I think that everyone would get along much better in a relationship, if it weren’t for a few simple misunderstandings.

So I’m going to try and break down a few of the rules men live by.

Kind of “The DaVinci Code” for guys. 

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

  • Subtle hints do not work!
  • Strong hints do not work!
  • Obvious hints do not work!
  • Just say it!

4. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

5. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. When presented with a problem, we devise a solution. That’s what we do.

If it’s really tricky, the solution may involve duct tape. 

6. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissable in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

7. Do not ever ask us if we think you are getting fat, getting old, or changing in any way. When we saw you for the first time, that image was stored, permanently, in our heads. We have no idea what you look like now. This is true 5 days after meeting you, and 5 decades. Don’t ask for comparisons. We won’t understand the question. This applies to all new hair stylings as well.

8. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

9. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both. 

10. If you give us a task that requires tools and materials, and then tell us we don’t have the money to hire professional help, we will assume we are dead broke. Expect at least 8 trips to the home improvement store, as we buy only the minimum of what we think we might need to get it done on the first trip to save money, and then as we work we inevitably find “just one more thing” we need.

11. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. If we seem lost, keep in mind that we are not necessarily concerned with getting directly to our destination. We think of it as a voyage of discovery. “Okay, the night club isn’t down this way, but what is? Ahhhhh, okay. Oh, I didn’t know one of those was in this area. Cool.”

12. If it itches, it will be scratched.

13. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but we respect you too much to call you on it.

14. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

15. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really. Refer to rule 7.

16. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as video games, action movies, webcomics, music, history, sports, or politics. If we begin talking about politics, it is implicitly understood you have our permission to hit us, if that’s what it takes to stop us from flying into a blind rage. We will thank you later, depending on the cost of the hospital visit.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping. We like camping.

25 thoughts on “Who needs couples counseling?

  1. When you ask as a question that calls for a lie (and we know when you want us to lie because we are not stupid) you cannot then call us on the lie. No you are not more beautiful than Anne Hathaway, we love you way way more (which is why we lied), but on an objective scale we can grade women’s physical beauty 1 to 10 with a precision that would put an electron microscope to shame. So if you ask us if you are prettier than she is it is assumed that you want a lie. Please act accordingly. Keep in mind that she is a vapid actress and you are the love of our life and, contrary to popular opinion, we are not all that interested in maxing out our significant other based on the aforementioned 1 to 10 scale. Unless we are d-bags; in which case we aren’t worthy of you in the first place. But seriously we tell you what you want to hear in order to make you happy. Giving us shit about it confuses and scares us.


  2. I passed this on to my fiancee, and he really appreciated it.

    As in, he felt it validated all the bullshit he’s been saying since Day 1.

    Go figure.



  3. Okay Earendil, that list is ALMOST perfect…

    I am exactly the opposite with cats, and they know it.

    Ask Cassie, it’s sickening. They sit with me, hang out with me, follow me around, and even sleep on me. If all three are loose, they take turns seeing who gets to sleep on me during the night. One will start, and about a third of the way through, jump down and the next climbs on board, etc.

    We finally had to lock two of them in their own room every night, so they’d let me get some damn sleep. So Shadow gets to sleep with me every night.

    I keep meaning to take a picture of my gaming desk while I’m playing… my desk has the right side cleared off, because Shadow sleeps there while I am playing. 100% of the time. If I am playing, Shadow is lying on my desk next to the monitor… either sleeping, or meowing for chin rubs.

    They fear Alex, and put up with Cassie as the price of living with me.

    All cats are like this. Don’t ask me why.


  4. Awesome post. =) I am a chick, leveled resto and went feral around level 68… then went back to resto for raiding and am now back to feral to try out all of our new goodies. Needless to say, I do things a bit backward! My best friend is a guy, and I have come to learn, understand, and even love many of these rules… if all women could only read and understand them without taking offense… the world would be a much happier place. =P


  5. *falls down laughing first because of the BBB post, and then few mins later because of Earendil’s one*

    Both Priceless. *saves the bookmark for future reference* 😉


  6. Ear, you are my new hero of the day. That added list just totally made my day.

    Love the Cat, Offspring, and Thought for the Day!


  7. Like camping? Camping is hardly fun without the company, and the couch has no company from my experience. 🙂

    I have one rule – I tell the truth, always. Cold sometimes, cruel sometimes, but always honestly, with compassion, tell the truth. You might get into trouble for your opinion, beliefs, or perspective, but you’ll never disappoint and never be caught out.


  8. Just to add some thoughts on above topic. Have fun!

    Men Are Just Happier People

    If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
    Kate and Sarah .
    If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
    as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

    When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even
    though it’s only for £32.50.
    None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they
    want change back.
    When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

    A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

    A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
    cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
    The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.
    A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    Women love cats.
    Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
    answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
    She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite
    foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    A married man should forget his mistakes.
    There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing. 


  9. I gave this list to my wife shortly after we got married. Since then, I’ve never been asked to sleep on the couch. Given how often I fall asleep on the couch, she believes me.


  10. I’m in total agreement with just about everything on this list.

    Say what you mean, mean what you say, and end the double standards on toilet seat expectations!
    Yes we can! BBB ’08!


  11. OMG… so freaking awesome BBB. I have followed your blog for some time now and never before as such wisdom been distilled into easy application! Amazing… and yes, I am totally sending my wife the link for some “light reading” for her today!!!


  12. Legendary.
    Reported for sticky, and mandatory reading at every step of every education system between the ages of 11 and 65, for male and female alike.
    I personally have big issues with 3, 5, 6, and 13.
    Get your other half to write the female version (because we like camping so much)? Also possibly an answer to what exactly they were doing in the last two hours in the bathroom and the full-length mirror in the hall, and why we’re STILL running late?


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