No, I don’t mean software drivers. I mean the kind moving the vroom vrooms.
I live in Minnesota, a state that has two seasons; winter, and road repair.
That being the case, you would THINK, having 6 months of driving experience on ice and snow-slick roads, that these people would be among the best drivers on the planet in poor weather.
This is one of the most common fallacies you see among RPG game designers; they assign skill points based on assumptions like “If they drive in snow and ice all they time, then they must KNOW how to drive in snow and ice PROPERLY and SAFELY.”
That, my friends, is a nearly perfect example of reason and logic having no relation to the actual world as observed by anyone driving in it for 5 bloody minutes.
The fact is, these people, when taken as a group, are bloody idiots.
A few drops of water on the ground ends up with 50% of the drivers doing 25 mph, and 10% doing 120mph in a frothy mouthed rage, weaving back and forth from lane to lane without any lane change signals, frantically trying to find that magic lane that moves 5 mph faster than the other… and of course, since they are too good for signalling a lane change, and think that if they can get the nose of their car into a half a car length in the other lane, then the person they are cutting off will give them room. What does that result in, boys and girls and children of all ages? Why, a mile length of cars with their brakes slammed on so they don’t rear end the moron, stopping all traffic in that lane dead. And then the idiot sees that his lane is now 5 mph slower than the lane he was in, the old lane that has moved one car length past him, and he slams back in the lane he came from… repeating the brake slamming process.
The other 40%, are, with me, stuck in the brake lights 5 miles behind the idiot weaving in and out of lanes. And trying to get past the assclown doing 25 mph with the cell phone welded to their ear… and their turn signal that’s been on since they left the Krispy Kreme 45 minutes before and got on the highway.
I hope and pray that the idiots doing all this are doing it intentionally, that they WANT to bring all traffic to a standstill with their assclown antics. The thought that, in this day and age, there are still that many drivers that cannot leap the gap from effect…. to cause… to STOPPING IT so maybe I can get to work or home for a change would make me freaking weep.
Seriously, it’s rain. It’s not even snow. Give me a break, you idiots.
While spending an hour driving to work this morning (a drive that is normally only 20 minutes, but hey… it was raining. Lightly. So whatever.), I had ample time to listen to sports radio recapping the Vikings/Packers game last night.
After hearing for the 5th time how awesome Brett Favre is and how he single-handedly won the game to put his old team in it’s place, I thereafter had about 55 minutes to ride in to work accompanied by my thoughts, and blessed, blessed silence.
I need to burn a new driving CD.
While driving along, I was possessed by a vision of the divine. It was as if I were visited by the dream of a beautiful angel that had come to show me the way to the holy land.
I said it was a VISION. Extreme caffeine deprivation had nothing to do with it.
This vision captivated me, transported me to another realm, and when I returned I felt that I had become transformed.
I want to share that vision with all of you.
I had a vision of a country where people went periodically to take driving tests in order to get a license to allow them to drive on the public roads.
And in that country, within those driver’s license bureaus, there was an option for various categories of license.
In this country of my vision, you could be authorized to drive a car, or a truck, or even a tractor-trailor combination, depending on the written and practical tests you complete.
But there was an awareness, a social maturity that allowed the people who provided these licenses to understand that, just because someone could complete a written test and could pass a 5 minute drive among some cones on the ground, that didn’t mean that everyone granted a license would drive with responsibility and good sense.
So in this country of my blessed vision, there was one more option.
The Designator Driver.
The best of the best could apply to take a battery of tests. Your judgment would be tested. Your skills. Your sense of responsibility. Duty to country. Patriotism. And above all else, your understanding of safe driving and the contributing factors of vehicular traffic flow.
And if you were to pass, you would gain that most precious of licenses… the license of the Designator Driver.
Possession of this license would authorize you to mount an AN/PED-1 Lightweight Laser Designator Rangefinder on your vehicle.
When the Designator Driver would see a complete assclown moron prick driving on the road, the Designator Driver would be required to follow his or her sense of duty, and illuminate it with their laser designator…
Swiftly followed by the launching of a Paveway II laser-guided bomb from the constantly patrolling aircraft in the sky, a Paveway II in the 500 lb range to descend like a hawk after a rabbit, swiftly and efficiently removing the offending assclown from existence.
This vision, this dream… this filled me with such a sense of peace… can you hold that vision in your mind?
Do you share it?
I think the increased cost of road repair, while initially very, very, VERY high, would quickly settle out.
And regardless… it would be a small price to pay for a truly utopian society.
Join with me as we return the mind to the body, and contemplate this wisdom with us, class.