The Gift that keeps on giving

Another offtopic one, sorry. I’ve got a lot of posts in me today.

Last year, a problem was brought to me at work.

Picture this, if you will.

Our company is situated in a corner-style junction between two very busy streets. But not RIGHT on the corner.

Right on the corner is a small strip mall with a Pei Wei, a hair stylist, a Caribou Coffee, and some other stuffs.

Behind this strip mall, filling up a strip of space touching on both streets, is our company.

Our employee parking lot, therefore, touches both busy streets. It’s a straight shot between the two, as seen here;

South street access to parking lot.

North street access to the parking lot.

As you can see, it’s a straight, unobstructed shot between the two streets.

Right where these pictures were taken, located right where I’m standing, is the employee entrance to the building, and several picnic tables where the employees enjoy their breaks on all shifts when the weather is nice.

The problem that was brought to me, was that asshats looking to save themselves a .5 mile drive around the peak of the corner, not even a half a block, would cut through our parking lot at 95 freaking miles an hour, and there were frequently close calls where drivers would come damn close to killing one of our employees as they sat on the picnic benches.

I’m not kidding. This apparently had become known by people as the perfect shortcut if you wanted to feel slick in cutting off 30 seconds from your drive. What, people might actually want to not get killed for sitting on their picnic benches eating their dinner? Well, what the hell are they doing sitting where *I* want to drive? I is important!

So, I did something about it last year.

I got myself some barricades. And I ain’t taking about no bullshit plastic things, either. I mean, I got me some BARRICADES.

See how big they are in comparison to Jim sitting there? Yeah, I put those in about 8 months ago. Something like that.

Almost immediately, they paid for themselves in pure, personal enjoyment.

All day long after the crane installed them, people would come roaring into the lot at full speed, slamming over the dip in the ramp where the road meets the lot, only to come to a full-on screeching brake stop as they realize HOLY SHIT THERE’S A BIG ASS WALL THERE!!!!

Then the pleasure really cranks in as we watch these idiots turn and back and wobble around to turn their SUVs around and head slowly back the way they came.

This didn’t hurt anybody here, since we’ve got seperate shipping and receiving docks for actual truck deliveries. Nope, this just cut off the straight line throughfare in our employee parking lot. The lot that is clearly marked on both ends at the street, “Not a through street”, “Private parking lot, trespassers will be towed”, and Employee Parking Only”.

Our former highway became, wonder of wonders, a safe and peaceful parking lot overnight. Why, we can even set up more tables, chairs, and barbeques and hold company ‘picnics’ there safely now.

But still, 8 months later, it continues to bring me pleasure.

Just moments ago, I’m standing out there in the parking lot, and what should I see but an idiot come roaring blindly into the North street entrance, doing at least 45 around that blind turn, only to come to a dead stop in the lot, with the driver visibly in a rage, swearing and frothing at the mouth in his car. And, still swearing and raging, he slowly backed his ass into a spot and turned tail, and carried his ass out of our lot. All under the view of our security cameras the entire time, you understand. The cameras I installed. 🙂

As I stood and watched that, the old, familiar grin crept over my face in genuine pleasure.

It’s the exact same pleasure I feel any time I tank a run, and an asshat goes out of their way to pull groups FOR me, and the healer and I combined stand back and let them die.

Ahhh… asshats that get every little bit that they deserve, but so rarely receive. The true gift that keeps on giving.

27 thoughts on “The Gift that keeps on giving

  1. I have to say I have a whole new respect for you BBB. I love your solution. I’m from California, so I know all about K-Rails, and how even big trucks can hit them, and they don’t move an inch. They are the greatest invention for traffic control. I have also witnessed the little car meets noxious speedbump airborn event, way to funny. The shock, pain, and then realization they are screwed is too amusing.


  2. epic…wish i could do something like that where i work…there’s a bright yellow crosswalk, speedbumps, *two* stop signs, AND a sign that says “stop for pedestrians”…and we still have near-death experiences


  3. I’d like pictures of the asshat who ends up straddled over the top of one of those. Its gonna happen, its just a matter of when!!


  4. Gotta love the k-rail! We used it a ton at the Port of Long Beach, to keep inattentive longshoremen from pulling containers the wrong way, am sure it’ll deter any speedsters.


  5. @Minos: Glad to see I wasn’t the only one to take it as a challenge from the clues given to locate the parking lot in question and admire BBB’s handiwork from geosynchronous orbit.

    It looks to me as if the current Google snapshot has the barrier in mid-construction, with two segments of wall in place.


  6. ahahaha

    I think the signs should say “Trespassers will be egged” and you should place a community basket of eggs on the picnic table.


  7. I think your barrier is visible in the Google Maps satellite imagery. It’s hard to differentiate from the lines drawn on the parking lot when seen from above, though.


  8. Just pure pwn…..

    I couldn’t stop laughing once I saw the barricades! I’ve worked the last 10 or so years in road construction and I’ve seen those “flimsy plastic POS’s” get took out and wished we could install concrete ones on either end of the closed streets. This is just pure win, and I’m sure that it has kept many people from getting hurt.

    P.S.: my healer is usually my wife and she and I often get to watch those asshats go off and get themselves killed. I get that EXACT same grin over my face.


  9. @Dorgol I seriously doubt there is a law preventing putting up traffic barricades in a private parking lot.

    I’m thinking there might be clauses about blocking access for emergency vehicles. Never put it past lawyers to make the law work how they like.


  10. @Dorgol I seriously doubt there is a law preventing putting up traffic barricades in a private parking lot.

    Hell, there is probably nothing illegal about digging a concrete moat across it, complete with drawbridge.

    Ok, I jest. I’m sure that there would be engineering requirements for the drawbridge. The DoT is funny like that.


  11. Love it.

    We had a similar problem at the last place I worked, only to the next power. The bulding, and our parking lot, was literally situated between the two one-way halves of a major thoroughfare whose sides are mostly unconnected for almost 5 miles. As a result, we’d get the same type off asshat blowing through our parking lot at 65+ to make a U-turn.

    Up until the day after we installed a set of wonderful, tire-shredding, suspension-destroying traffic enforcement devices, a 10mph speed bump followed by a 5mph speedbump. (Anyone unfamiliar with a 5mph speedbump, they are about 10″ wide by 3″ tall, and if you hit them at anything over 4-5mph, you WILL regret it! The 10mph aren’t as aggressive, but they are definitely noticeable if you’re going too fast.)

    I was sitting outside enjoying my lunch when, much to my amusement, I see a kid in a silver Civic come barreling up the entry lane and hit the first speedbump at 50+. He caught about a foot of air on his front end, and then, just as his front end comes down, he hits the second.

    The sheer joy I felt when he blew out both front tires and shattered his suspension was only eclipsed by the happy feeling of deserved retribution when I realized that this was the same kid that had almost hit me about a month prior, and showered me with obscenities and a certain one-fingered salute when he had to brake to avoid me.

    His resultant exclamations of rage were like music to my ears, and my lunch tasted all the better for it. 😉


  12. “Those jerk faces deserve to slam into the wall & hurt their cars. lol.”

    Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if that caused more problems than it was worth. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to find some text from years ago in some law that was against doing something like these barricades. So long as no one gets damaged by them, no one looks in the law books.

    But as soon as someone gets their precious oh-so-overpriced vehicle crumpled, they will run to their insurance companies. And the insurance companies will run to the lawyers.

    So lets just have fun watching the fools have to back-up, and not wish any harm to them. 🙂


  13. Hehe, there’s nothing better than being in a position to enable some idiot’s behavior and then allowing them to deal with the consequeces of their dumb actions. I was healing DTK on my shaman the other day and you know in that first hallway how some of the mobs cast blackholes of death? Yup, you guessed it, the two melee dps both thought it’d be cool to max the meters and not move. For that matter, the tank was a bit slow to move out as well. So I wrote in party chat “I don’t heal stupid. Stand in the black at your own risk.” The first melee apparently thought I was kidding and died in the next voidzone, the 2nd melee survived next group with 300hp left, and the tank after seeing his own plummeting health was a lot faster in getting out of the black from then on. After a quick rez we were on our way again. A while later one of the melee ran out in front of the tank and pulled another group. I gave him one lesser healing wave and then reminded myself that I don’t heal stupid and that healing him would only make it harder for the tank to keep agro off of me. Consequently, he died, the tank picked up the mobs, a wipe was avoided, and I had a big grin on my face. Now if only I could find a way to get that melee’s future raid healers to recognize the valuable lesson I taught him and get some gold for the transaction 🙂


  14. I just want to let you know that I get significantly more entertainment from your non-WoW posts than your “on-topic” posts. Thanks for keeping things interesting during the pre-expansion lulls.


  15. Absatively classic.

    If you have a recorder on the cameras (and I am sure you do) you should really youtube some of the more extreme cases of asshattery.

    I for one would love to see it =)


  16. You’re my hero. I used to want to do things like this was wasn’t far enough up the totem to enact any of them. My only crowning glory was having 14 cars towed from my companies parking lot when the drivers left them to goto a local concert. 14+ frothing mad people standing in my office trying to keep from having an anuerysm while I explained the giant “Customer parking only, All other’s will be towed” signs.


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