We stood upon the boat. Ship, boat, whatever. It was too big to bass fish and too slow to waterski from, so who gives a damn what it’s called.
I used to think of them as royalty, but lately I’m thinking we’re on a first name basis. I reached that point right around the time I was cleaning purple puffer poo out of my mouth in the pipes under the Vale. They don’t like it, what are they gonna do… send me off to assault the beaches of Durotar all by myself?
So yeah, Varian and Jaina are hanging out on this boat, right? And there is this huge Alliance fleet all around us, just a shitload of boats.
Now THIS is what I was talking about! Here we are, a whole bunch of badasses abustle on boats about to begin a barrage on the bad guys! Boats with big ass guns. Flotilla? Fleetzilla!
So… let’s start with the guns, amiright? Bang bang? Load ’em up, blow ’em out, rawhide!
So yeah. Varian, he apparently doesn’t like that plan. I guess the boats, they all have these short range popguns, and the Orcs, they have these shore batteries big enough to blow a boat to the deep blue in one go.
Great planning, Varian. You figure this out AFTER you cross the ocean with these things?
Okay, we have an army here. let’s go land ’em a bit further down south, work our way up around Durotar through the North Barrens. We’ve been killing Kor’kron out that way for a month now, I’ve personally flown by a hundred times. No, really, I got mounts that’ll fly right over there, no problem. We’ll just land down there, mount up and join with the Trolls we’ve been fighting with, hit the main gate. Whattaya say?
Okay, how about an aerial assault from the backs of dragons? I’ve got a dragon, you’ve got a dragon, shit Jaina over there is banging the leader of a mess o’ dragons, if she wants this Garrosh guy to go down so bad hows about we all hop on some dragons and light their asses up?
No. No, of course not. They’re the only ones allowed to have dragons. I’m starting to see a trend.
Okay, kingie, just what the hell is this big fancy plan you’ve got for us to hit Orgrimmar?
Oh sure. I shoulda known.
So, looks like our Band of Misfits is supposed to storm the beach, take down the army waiting for us, destroy the shore batteries, take down the towers providing aerial support, and kill a dragon and it’s rider. And lots of other dragons too, but hell, why bitch about it?
THEN Varian will call in the fleet.
Yeah, fuck you Varian.
Shit, I’m starting to talk like Garrosh.
Okay, so let’s do this thing.
So that’s just what we did. We stormed the beach, killed a bunch of gunners, turned that cannon on their own people, then blew it up and went for the next. Once we took out all the cannon on shore, we looked wistfully at that nice, big fleet hanging out there off all safe and sound.
You know, they had hammocks on those things? And drinks with fruit and little umbrellas in ’em. I seen em.
You boys want to come in here or what? Maybe get close, provide some fire support? These jackasses on the tower are shooting flaming arrows, it’s kind of a pain in the ass, a bit of help? No?
Up the tower, down the tower, up the other tower, then take control of both tower cannon and blow the shit out of the dragonriders of pain-in-my-ass.
Note to self. When I decide to become an evil overlord and have my own fortress with towers and shit, putting guys on the tops of towers that will KNOCK THE ENEMY OFF THE TOP is a good idea. Make sure to put in TV cameras too, because that shit is hilarious to watch.
Second note to self. Engineering Goblin Gliders FTW.
Okay, so that was a bit of a slog, amiright? Our small force of ten idiots storming a beach, destroying all the cannons and patrols of an Orc army, then facing off against two towers with mounted cannon, waves of Orcs streaming down the road at us, and a sky full of dragons raining fire on our heads.
I think I finally understand Varian’s war strategy. Take ten people, send them ahead to kill everything, and then take credit. Oh wait, but no, he didn’t send us on ahead all by ourselves. He came with us, him and Jaina, to ‘help’ us in our fight.
Too bad Varian can’t take a punch. One measly little Skullbreaker and he folds like a cheap pair of pants. God forbid we should let him take on a mob all by himself for more than a few seconds, or the Alliance will be looking for a new warleader.
At least Jaina knows how to kick some ass, raining down that Blizzard right where it would do us some good. Varian, take note. Punk.
Well, we’re here. Soon we shall stand before the gates of Orgrimmar, ready to unleash a big ol’ can of whoopass.
Nothing can stop us now!
Wait a minute, what the fuck? What the hell are all these trolls doing here, partying down and dancing and having a good old time?
Wait, is that some kind of massive Iron Juggernaut prancing around on the sand in front of the gates?
What kind of dumbass sends their warmachines outside the walls, without long range artillery or air support?
Oh yeah, we kinda just blew their air support to shit, didn’t we.
Okay, granted, but wtf is with a big metal cockroach outside the gates instead of big honking guns ON TOP OF the gates? Plus, why are the gates OPEN?!?!
Well, no need to worry about that now. We’ll just let this nice sassy troll army roll on up there and clear the way, taking down the Iron Juggernaut.
Guys? Right? The trolls are gonna destroy the Iron Juggernaut, right?
Why are you all looking at me?
I still have claw marks on my ass and a flaming arrow in my shoulder from the beach landing. What, are we going to have to do EVERYTHING around here?
Haven’t these people ever heard of cannon fodder before? Why don’t they just send some no-account scrubs in there to take down these defenses, why the hell do WE keep having to do it?
Oh wait just one Mylune-be-damned minute here.